Wednesday, October 1, 2008

in my skin

I've got so many thoughts in my head this morning. Don't know where to begin.

I want to whine. I want to complain about work, about my addicted child, about relationships, about sponsors. I want to complain because things are not the way I want them to be. The segments of my life are competing to be the most uncomfortable one. I want to make out my list of grievances. I would like a bit of permission to stay in my self pity, if you don't mind.

I feel like I'm wearing clothes made out of course wool. Life feels so prickly. Somethings up, my buttons are big and easy to push. I'm certainly not practising self acceptance. I want to be different than I am. I easily judge others.

I am clean and sober today. I will make it through today, if I stick close to God. As long as I don't let selfishness, fearful, self-serving ways prevent me from doing God's will. As long as I stay connected with others. (Sponsee's are wonderful for pulling my head out of my butt.). Am I being honest, open and willing. I need to check if I'm trying to be God or just do my Higher Power's will?

I am willing to sit in this uncomfortableness. I am powerless over all that stuff that surrounds me. It is what it is.

In helping others, I help myself. In loving others, just as they are, I learn how to love myself, just as I am.

Shortly after I got out of treatment, I remember driving to a meeting. On the way, I wanted so bad to turn the other way, to find a way to numb myself, I was tired of all these feelings. I had to force myself to the meeting and share those feelings. I don't get so tired of my feelings any more. That's a whole lot of acceptance going on. Staying in my skin, as uncomfortable as it fits some days, is part of acceptance. Washing away the discomfort with alcohol or porn isn't nearly as appealing as it used to be. Change does happen.

Thanks for letting me share, thanks for being part of my journey into sobriety.

Photo Credit: Jeff Bauche


Cat said...

self acceptabce has been a huge part of my own journey - and I understand when i critisize others now it has more to do with how I feel about myself really. Cat

Lou said...

An inspiring, honest post.

AlkySeltzer said...

H., ya know, I hear of so many of us who go from treatment (I never had the pleasure of 'treatment'!) right back into our lives of chaos, then into our oblivious oblivion.

If I were reading the story of your life, I'd pick as one HUGE 'turning point', your line in this post, which reads: "Shortly after I got out of treatment, I remember driving to a meeting..."

At that moment, you made a choice, and you're still doing it!


Your post is sobriety in action. We use the tools of the program - working with others, sharing the honest truth about what's going on in our minds and how we're feeling - to stay sober and not "run". I use the tools rather than running into alcohol or any other unhealthy substance or activity.
Good for you, keep up the action.
Your skin will become more comfortable again in time.

Shadow said...

i'm glad to be sharing your journey. hang in there!

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

"I am willing to sit in this uncomfortableness."

I don't think most people realize this, but being willing to sit in your own uncomfortableness and ride it out is both the bravest and most life-changing thing one can do.

While I was in my own treatment waiting for a diagnosis that would set me free, an out-patient day program for the mentally ill in crisis called partial hospitalization, we had a daily group meeting at 10am. It was called Process Group. I hated it. The group was run with a few rules including staying with your feelings and no leaving. Did I say I hated it? I hated it. It was the hardest time in my life. I was in serious danger of losing my family and I was supposed to sit there with a bunch of strangers, spill my guts out, and not leave when it got to be too overwhelming. I am a leaver. I take my big feelings and thoughts and I go hide until I've shoved them back in nice and tight. I felt vulnerable and powerless for so many meetings and then I learned something. The more often I stayed in the Here and Now, the easier it got.

By staying with those big, terrible feelings, I learned that they wouldn't kill me (even though I was sure they would and were), I learned new coping skills, healthy skills, like HALT and teaching myself the 5 Minute Rule - feelings change, if I wait with this one for 5 minutes, another feeling is bound to come along. If not in the first 5 minutes, then the next 5. Just stay with it. I also learned that Emotional Reasoning is bunk. Just because I feel it does not, in fact, make it true.

Today I honor your achievement.