Thursday, October 2, 2008

Shall we dance?

Yesterday morning went poorly. The core issue, I think, was that I was to take part in a disciplinary meeting with one of my employee's. My boss was going to be there, as well as a union rep. The fact that I believed the company was doing the wrong thing also falls into play somewhere. (also might make me a co-dependent, full of worry and fear, am I doing the right thing?) I could not sway my boss differently.

I phoned my sponsor and talked about it, lots. The event was to take place after lunch and I was feeling full of angst over this. I was reading blogs at lunch time, looking for a distraction, when I came across the following quote from Melody Beattie.

The belief that life has to be hard and difficult is the belief that makes a martyr.

It would be worth reading the whole quote over at "In Good Faith" I could see how I was seeing myself as a martyr at work, being forced to do things I don't want to do. Armed with that and the advice from my sponsor, we got through the event. Hopefully we all survived.

The rest of the day went well and then I got home. Once again, I felt like I was dragged into the middle of a power struggle between my spouse and my addicted child. I was asked for my opinion. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there. I, right away, went back to being the martyr. Poor me. I'm trapped.

We've danced this dance, my partner and I, many times before. I know what triggers her, she knows what triggers me and away we go. I am aware of how painful this dance is, how much we step on each others toes, but we dance it anyways. Seems like we are powerless to stop it, 'specially once it started. And I want to blame someone else. Not me.

So, whats in this mornings "Daily Reflections"?

I know the Promises are being fulfilled in my life, but I want to maintain and develop them by the daily application of Step Ten. I have learned through this Step that If I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me. The other person may be wrong too, I can only deal with my feelings. When I am hurt or upset, I have to continually look for the cause in me, and then I have to admit and correct my mistakes ......

What is wrong with me? I like the easier, softer way. I don't like to deal with conflict, just would like to wish it all away. That's why I spent years numbing myself. Now I want to just wish away this character defect. Life will always have conflict. It doesn't have to react like a martyr every time conflict appears.

The Daily Reflections reading goes on:

........ I have found that pain is a friend; it lets me know there is something wrong with my emotions, just as a physical pain lets me know there is something wrong with my body. When I take the appropriate action through the Twelve Steps, the pain gradually goes away.

I don't have much interest in today but hiding is not the solution. I'm going to try to live this day, my Higher Power's way. So lets see where the path takes us today.


Shadow said...

that 2nd reflection about pain being a friend. that's a good one. a good way of thinking about pain. it's a solvable way of thinking about pain. not an endless circle of pain. excellent! thanks for posting it!

Kathy Lynne said...

I know what you mean...I also remember when my husband & I told his father we were getting married..his words of wisdom to us: "life is a grim struggle". Sad but true for many years..and I am so grateful that I don't see it that way any more.

Cat said...

I left a job as an HR manager when I realized that my idea of right from wrong varied from my bosses and I wound up being put into a position to defend my boss and her company - I knew it was time to go - I hope today is better for you. Cat

AlkySeltzer said...

Every morning (365 days a year!) my 6 AM meeting uses DAILY REFLECTIONS as our topic. Whoever has a particular problem can bring it up at the end of meeting and carry it outside for discussion until the 7 AM meeting.

There are usually twelve people at the 6, and eighty at the 7. Guess which is the best meeting IMO?

Ah'm jes sayin'........

J-Online said...

I've found myself in the "poor me" category a lot lately. I think it's good you are consious of it.

Anonymous said...

Ah! The conflict martyr syndrome! I know it well! Who Me? Oh, yeah! Recognizing it and accepting it are half the battle! Good for you. Since KL passed on her marriage advice, here's what I got....marriage ain't for wimps. So true. Took me years to realize it. I am just now realizing that it is something that I have to WORK at every single day, just like my recovery, especially where communication is concerned. Hang in there and keep fighting, it will get better! Thanks for a great post full of honesty.

Laura said...

Thankfully, you know where to go when you are wavering...your faith, your Daily Reflections and working the program.

As always, an excellent post.