Thursday, October 23, 2008

Step Two

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I wanted to write that this was the tallest of all the steps I had to climb for my entry into sobriety. But as I thought about it, I realize that when I admitted my powerlessness that I made room for a Power greater than me. I could finally admit that I was not God.

The biggest challenge on step 2 was letting go of old beliefs. Learning to trust something outside of myself.

I clearly remember sitting in a circle about three years ago, I had shared about my struggles, my self-hatred, and how I was never going to get healthy. In this particular circle people are encouraged and expected to give feed back. They shared on how they saw me. They commented on my compassion and my empathy. How deeply I could love my family members. They pushed back against the dark colours I loved to paint myself with. They threw splashes of light on the canvas. I remember looking at their comments and thinking just who am I going to believe. The negativity that I had been cultivating since a child or these people who were totally outside of myself. I decided to start believing them.

The wall of untrusting didn't come crashing down that day but I did start chipping away the mortar that held that wall together. For the first time in a long time I had become willing to believe in something outside of myself. Three years later, there are still chunks of this wall in my life. Moments when I can only trust myself. The good new is that every time I have that experience of only trusting self, it is painful, dark, and lonely. It doesn't take me long to get out of there. To put myself back into God's hands, to join the company of humanity. I need not walk alone.

I just had to become willing and then the changes started.

Page 46 of the big book has this:

We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater that ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God

And at the end of Appedix II (Spiritual Experence) is a qoute from Herbert Spencer that I need constantly remind myself. That I need always have an open mind.

There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance -- that principle is contemp prior to investigation.
Thanks for letting me share. To those I tagged with Step One, if you still want to play, consider yourselves tagged with Step Two. (and anyone else who would like to share on their experience with this step.)

Photo Credit: Pensiero


Cat said...

I am on this step now and this post has touched me in ways I never thought were possible - its as if a light has turned on - and all the negative self talk is now exposed - I need to begin learning a new way - need to find something other than myself to believe in and this post - while I know was meant for you really feels as if it was meant for me.

Thank you.


dAAve said...

It was tough for me too. But it took what it took and ... voila!


Beautifully written post.

Brings to mind a powerful experience I had with my first boss after getting sober. I trusted her and respected her. The way she saw me was totally different than the negative way I saw myself.

I finally got to the point where I had to admit either she was lying or I wasn't seeing myself correctly. That experience helped me so much in being able to see myself in a more positive light.

Annette said...

I just read your post on "Why These Hands?" Beautiful! A similar picture of God's hands has been a powerful part of my recovery. One of my children is lost in addiction and I often, daily, sometimes hourly, place her in God's gentle hands to love perfectly and to keep safe. I found a candle holder of the cupped hands and I have it sitting in my spot in the house where I do my daily meditation and reading. I light the candle and pray for those I know who are lost in their addictions. Thanks so much for sharing. I have enjoyed reading your thoughts.

Shadow said...

this is a remarkable post. thank you. i too have the tendency to self-criticize, self-judge. and as with you, others do see me completely different. we did an exercise like this in rehab. and what i saw in myself, and what others saw (even after only a few days) was vastly different. thanks for the reminder.

AlkySeltzer said...

"When...willing, the teacher will appear."

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing. You are awesome!

Kathy Lynne said...

I came to believe in a very gradual manner. No shining light engulfing me with presence. When the woman who I first asked to sponser me said "did you get on your knees?", I didn't even know what she meant. All I knew was that I didn't want to drink and finally realized that I was powerless to stop myself. But I kept reading and listening and the book, "Came to Believe", really helped me have a Spritiual Awakening, still rubbing my eyes, but awake nonetheless. All I remember is that one day, I was ironing my clothes, getting ready for the day when an overwhelming feeling came over me,,,"It's going to be okay". And that's when I knew.