Friday, October 17, 2008

Step One

Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defence against the first drink.(page 24, big book)

I am powerless over my addictions. Drinking, porning. I have never seemed to be able to do anything in moderation. If there was a way so I wouldn't have to feel my discomfort, I would over indulge.

Being able to say that I was powerless of alcohol was the beginning of surrender. I first worked that step in Alanon. Admitting that I was powerless over my child's addictions. That my life had become unmanageable by trying to manage the child. Over the last few weeks, I've been in that struggle again, trying to manage my child's life and am trying to let go. Seeing the words that admit "I am powerless" gives me a sense of relief, however small. Those words help me pull back from the fight with demons I can never beat. It is not my battle. A little while ago, I saw the words out of chapter 5 from the big book with new eyes: "B. That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism." I could not relieve my child from his addictions. and "C. That God could and would if He were sought." I constantly tell myself to stay out of the way, that I am not God. I have to work the Alanon first step every day.

In my own addictions, step one prepared me for the rest of the steps. Step one helped me to see how unmanageable my life had become. How internet affairs hurt everything I loved, how drinking just isolated me from those who cared for me. How destitute and depressed I had become. Admitting that I was powerless was, again, the beginning of surrender. If I could no longer to look inside myself for solutions, I had to look outside of myself. If I could admit I was fucked, then I could admit that I was an alcoholic. The admission of alcoholism was the beginning of the path that led me to the remainder of the steps. A path of recovery.

Step one, for me, needs to be practised each day. Admitting I am powerless over my addictions, over the addictions of others, over my employer and employee's, in my relationships. When I can see and admit that, I can turn my will and life over to the care of God. I can get out of myself. I can admit that I am not God. Admitting powerlessness gives me room to grow. It opens up my spirit to allow room for my Higher Power.

--------------------------------------------

I am going to tag Mary LA, Patty, Steve, and Kathy Lynn and ask them to share on Step one. I think it would be helpful (for me) to hear other folks hope and experience in regards to working this step. And if you would just like to join in, that would be fun too! Feel free.

4 comments:

Patty said...

Thanks for inviting me to share Hank. Great post!

Lou said...

It all starts with #1.
You're doing great Hank.

Laura said...

Hi Hank,

I love step One for it has freed me too. I didn't pick up a bottle or use a needle or pill, but my life was lived chaotically from years of loving people in addicted lives and I'm probably one with an addicted personality ~ Not sure about that yet, but leaning that way. But I do find, that I am constantly saying to myself, "I am powerless", and those thoughts put the momentary situation in great perspective for me.

I love your honest sharing in all your posts and thank you for your encouragement to me.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Wonderful post. Totally a reminder that one needs to Let Go and Let God every day. It's not just a once in a lifetime event.