Sunday, October 12, 2008

want

I don't know what to do. Don't know what the truth is regarding my addicted child. The feelings of fear, anxiety, hopelessness, and a deep abrasive anger are running high tonight.

We are at the point where another uncomfortable decision needs to be made. Not knowing how to make that decision and not being able to hear direction from my Higher Power. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have no wisdom. I am powerless. I am angry. I want control. I want power so I won't feel fearful. I haven't felt this needful of wanting control for a long time. I want everything to turn out okay. I can only trust in my Higher Power if there is a guarantee of a happy ending.

I've read the stories of mothers and fathers loosing their child to addiction. The funeral is over, the sadness deep, the wanting to do things differently so strong. Tuff love, compasionate love, the right actions and behaviour to produce recovery. It's like there is no right action, answer, words, punishment, or love that restores the lives of the ones we love. I am afraid that what ever choice we make will be wrong. My brain tells me that the only way for my addicted child will come into recovery is by themselves. They making the choice. My heart screams that there must be another way. There must be a right action somewhere in all this mess.

There is way to much fucking "I" in this post. My fear is around my child but my writing is all about me. My feelings and how to make myself feel better. Fear blocking me from trusting God.

I want relief from this dance with the addict. I want. I want. I want. I want.

What does God want?

4 comments:

AlkySeltzer said...

"I have no wisdom. I am powerless. I am angry."

1. Wisdom is not something earned or learned. It is a gift...from God.

2. Pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out.

3. You sure have it nailed doem, when you write, "What does God want?" Well, He really wants what's best for me, although often it doesn't SEEM like that--to me!

Looks like 'prayer' is the option here, which is doable, and DOES conform to God's will. And be grateful.

My mother, and a whole convent full of nuns prayed for me during my last year of 'drunk'. But God waited until He saw I was good and ready, before He allowed me ONE chance to get better. One chance to walk through that door of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank you for a great post.

Shadow said...

i also want for your child to be free from addiction. i want everyone to be free from addiction. i can feel you pain. i can offer you hugs and love. and patience. hang in there...

Lou said...

You are right, there is no answer. When I did tuff love, he kept right on self destructing. When I threw money at it, he kept right on self destructing. After I nursed him back to health, he kept right on self destructing.

In my case, God put him in jail. His clear eyes & clear mind today tell me if was the perfect
solution.

I really feel for you. I was kept hostage by the fear he would die for a long time. I have finally come to the place where I can accept whatever God has planned.

TraceyBaby said...

I'm here now. I can't make him clean and sober. He and his recovering drug addict roommate are now drinking and smoking pot. "It's just pot, Mom." Ok. Pot is my son's drug of choice. His biggest downfall. And he damn well knows it.

God is granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.