Monday, October 27, 2008

who and what

A sponsee spoke to me of his fears. Worried about what he would become after working the steps. Worried that he would be gone, something different in his place.

I've had those fears, have those fears. I assured him that he wouldn't change. I spoke of how the obsession to drink would be lifted. I showed him what was promised. I told him my experiences and hopes. I was grateful for the reminder.

I participated in an AA rally over the weekend. I felt little gratitude when it was all over. I felt fearful through most of it. I really am getting tired of this. Standing on the side lines, watching people. Not knowing how to start a conversation, not able to find words to speak. I just wanted to run. I can't do small talk. Speaking on the weather, the latest football game, who caught the biggest fish, how the golf game went, etc etc, leaves me lost. I don't know what to say. I feel more comfortable here, in my kitchen. Typing and editing, taking time to get the words out best I can.

My addicted child attended the rally with me. I was so surprised and grateful that the child was there. At one point we were standing outside, both feeling very tired from the endless string of meetings and decided to vacate the place, head to a coffee shop. After an awkward start, we began to share of what makes us feel happy. Of walks in the forest, of sitting on the sea, of playing board games full of laughter, of being free of the obsession, enjoying the moment we were in. Simple stuff. I worked really hard at not exploring inner landscapes which I love to do the most. We didn't get under the hood, I didn't pry. My child has a sponsor as well, I'm gonna try and stay out of the way. Speak of the colour of the leaves, seeing how they fall off the maples, landing in the river, becoming patches of yellow and orange, floating on a reflected sky.

My sponsee was worried that he would change. I'm worried that I won't change. I know I am changing but aware that the awkwardness around people will remain for a long long time. I just push through it, doing the best I can. I still like "one on one" the best. Speaking with my sponsor, or a sponsee, with my partner, writing an email, the focus is small and I understand that at the root is a fear of being judged, being laughed at, being made small. I can write about this stuff, it helps me see it, but I still have a hard time living in it.

I remind myself that I change slowly, simply, and subtly under my Higher Power's hands. That as we journey together, we knock off the rough edges as we interact. I keep reminding myself that this is fun!

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: TheMunkyHouse


Kori said...

If it is any consolation, I have just under 9 years and there are still moments when I feel afriad and overwhelmed by people and differenct situations, but sobriety has given me the ability to keeo moving forward in spite of the fear-it does get better, with time and a lot of work!

Annette said...

Keeping my own side of the street clean... requires an inordinate amount of effort on my part, depending on what my addict child is up to. I can relate to the lack of small talk skill too. But really....who wants to do small talk? What a waste of precious time.

Thanks for your honesty and sharing. I am enjoying your posts.

Shadow said...

i'm more of a 1-on-1 person too. the only time i've really been open and social is while drinking. will that change? i don't know. maybe, maybe not... hopefully though, to a certain degree.