Wednesday, November 19, 2008

beware the light

One never knows where buried treasure is. I'm learning to free write in the course I'm taking, to just type out every thought that comes to mind. Old stuff to most folk, new to me. One of the assignments was to light a candle on the desk and allow oneself freedom to write what comes to mind. Then to work with those ideas to write a one paragraph description of that candle. This was my submission:

The wick curls beneath the weight of light, burdened by unachieved hope. Bending away from the heat, trapped by the radiance above. Flickering luminosity that holds promise of change, aggravating discomfort of self. Swaying out it's siren call, a promise to break the sadness within. It shimmers as false waters in the desert, always a few steps away, calling the thirsty to nowhere. Self consuming flame, swallowing up all that get close, expelling the charred remains from it's garden. Tightly pursed lips form a channel, coldness blasting down it's path, pushing the flame aside, then out. A curl of smoke remains as the glowing ember dims to darkness.

After an interchange with the instructor, I came to realize that I still often consider myself a victim. A victim of God. I still, but not always, want to blame someone else for my problems. I want to blame my addicted child, or my boss, or my life partner, or religion, or what ever idea pops into my head. On the opposite side of same said token, I have expectations that these folk should still try to help me, even after I accuse them of letting me down in the past.

I see myself as a needy child wanting someone to reach down and help me. This would have been a much better description of me before I stumbled into recovery, but small bits of it still remain in me, festering away, coming out at just the wrong time.

In recovery, there are lots of people who are willing to walk this journey with me, for they are on the same journey. People who share their strength, experience, and hope. Fellow bloggers, folk at 12 step meetings, people outside the program of AA. It is an amazing place, all these caring people. Yet none of these people can cure me, make me whole. That is my business, my responsibility. I'm not a string puppet, with God at the controls.

So when I find myself balking at step 11. Wondering why the bother, for God can't be bothered, then I have to take responsibility. Wallowing in old beliefs is pointless. Pursuing new beliefs is invaluable. Who is responsible? I am.

Photo Credit: rentahamster


Anonymous said...

Hank, you continue to blow me away. This is an awesome and powerful share. Thank you.


You wrote, "I see myself as a needy child wanting someone to reach down and help me."

When I was at my bottom and dying of alcoholism, God reached down and helped me. Now that I have been in recovery for many years, God still reaches down and helps me. I don't have to be a needy child OR adult for me to accept His help.

AlkySeltzer said...

I'll say who is "awesome and powerful"
..One Who has all power,and that One is God. May you find Him now.

Oh, Hank...God CAN be bothered. He loves to hear my prayer, and he is always there, ready, willing, and able to help me (and YOU!). Anytime

Glad to be reading you, Hank.

Shadow said...

i clearly hear what you're saying, about victim, needy child, help me... those are things that can overwhelm me too if i let them. and sometimes they do. and then i have to talk to myself. tell myself this is NOT it, the truth is, i think, love yourself, trust yourself, trust your judgement, get up and do something about it. it's a hard road. i'm sure it'll eventually sink in...

Shadow said...

oh, and your candle writing is amazing. truly. you have what it takes to be an amazing writer!

Laura said...

I'm with you Henk on this one. I'm finding myself sometimes still struggling in my "I can't's" because I have felt victimized at times. That's by day, week by week.

Excellent post. Thank you.

Lou said...

This writing & blogging is helping you. Don't you think?

Mary LA said...

So good hearing from you again.

Enjoy second grandson!


Findon said...

Thank you for writing this. It's the still, quiet voice of God I listen for. I have to tune my inner ear to hear it. When I do hear Gods still voice my life and those around me is so much better.
Thanks for the post and thanks for paying me a visit.