Wednesday, November 12, 2008

who? me worry?

At this moment, sitting at my kitchen table, drinking my morning coffee, everything is okay. The house is still asleep, Out in the darkness it's raining. I'm cozy and warm here. I have nothing to fear, nothing to want, my life is unbelievably better since I've turned it over to my Higher Power's care.

Here comes the but. I like to worry. It looks funny to see the word like and worry in the same sentence but it must be true since I do it so well and practise it so much. I've been writing and thinking about trust, hoping that as I trust my Higher Power more and more, my levels of fear and worry would drop more and more. But I still worry.

I was speaking with my sponsor a couple of days a go, reviewing my list of fears. He had to agree there are a lot of things going on in my families life that would give cause to worry and then he reminded me of something I was starting to forget. He asked that I take that list and see if there was even one item on that list truly affecting my day. I responded with the fact that there was not one. He then reminded me that I was having a pretty good day in spite of that list. That if I'm having a good day, then perhaps I shouldn't let tomorrow take away the joy of today. He told me it was okay to be into the joy of this day. I could drop the burden of tomorrow.

So why do I struggle with worry and fear? Over at Religion Outside the Box (I'm really starting to like that place.) the rabbi wrote a short piece on fear. One of his statements reads:

Maybe we hold on to fears that don't come to pass because they are simply more comfortable to deal with than the anxiety that comes with being alive.
I kinda take this as I'm more comfortable being fearful of what I already know than to be fearful of being sober, facing life sober. I just like nestling inside my brain, letting the worries fill my time. The fact they produce fear doesn't stop me. It used to give me an excuse to drink or porn and maybe I'm still looking for that same excuse.

There was an very encouraging qoute in "Courage to Change" today.

"You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love God and man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art." Francis de Sales

So, today, when the worries come flying in, I'm not going to give them any place to roost. I do have a choice about who I allow to come visiting. I am learning to love others and love God. Slow and steady keeps me on my journey.

Photo Credit: Oksana Guseva Photography


Shadow said...

sheeeesh, of course! i'd rather do the fear thing 'cause i can anticipate the results, than do something different and try to figure it out.... keep the 'courage to change... today"!!!!

Cat said...

beautifully written for today! I never had seen the religion outside the box site before - thank you for introducing me to that. Fear is something I know about and as I am learning to let go of the feear of the unknown I find it is easier for me to live in each moment.


Sophie in the Moonlight said...

This resonated with me.

Bowser and I were going through another phase in our intimacy journey a week ago and I told him that he liked being worried. "Worried is your default setting. It's comfortable and you know how to do it. Moving away from worry creates its own anxiety."

Since then he's been trying to leave worry at the door and do the things he would like to do if only he didn't have worry constantly nibbling at his ear. He's been successful about 75% of the time thus far.

Progress, not perfection.

PS I really liked the quote from "Courage to Change".

big Jenn said...

Great post, sorry i missed it yesterday. Please come visit anytime. I spend time worrying, which is about the future, which is not here.It is an illusion the mind creates. It is not truth. There is only now. Sitting here at my computer, I have nothing to fear! Thanks, jeNN


Practice, practice, practice. My middle name used to be "Fear". As I have practiced these AA and Alanon programs, practiced praying, practiced sharing my fears with my sponsor - my fear has lessened. It really has.

It gets better - Thank God.

AlkySeltzer said...

...and I learn to fear, by fearing? What do they say? If there is no change, there is no change!

A Tampa Realtor said...

That's right. Fear is the mind-killer in my opinion. Way to keep it from roosting!

Anonymous said...

When things are going too good I like to find something to worry about too. How is that new grand baby? I hope you are over your cold and able to hold him now. Thanks for this post, I really like the concept of letting worry "roost." You sound great!

Just Another Sober Guy said...

Awesome! I can relate to the 'like to worry' concept. I used to like to worry about all kinds of stuff. It would kept me from doing stuff that I needed to do thus giving me more to worry about.

I have been fortunate that since getting sober, keeping it in the day has not been a huge struggle for me.

Still, at times when I am alone those worries try to sneak in. I just give 'em to God to hold until the are something real to deal with or they go away.