Thursday, November 27, 2008

who's fishing?

Why is the bait always so tempting? Or is it hidden and I don't see it till that hook is deep into my cheek?

That moment which catches me unawares. That moment when I recognize that I have a right to be angry. As soon as I have an inkling of that idea, off I run. Sitting in traffic, talking to the other drivers. A work mate makes a mistake. A perceived injustice befalls one of my children. I could insert lots of times I've taken the bait. A right to be angry. And up it boils. A mood shifting illusion of power.

And then I go on a rant, mindless of who I am running over as I spout. Partner, friends, co-workers, family members, God. Don't matter who, I am right and I am going to be heard. It was bad while I was drinking. I shoulda been fired from my job for the anger I used to display toward my supervisor. I shoulda been divorced, the anger I displayed at home.

Whats different today is I can recognize what's going on. Sometimes, I realize that I don't have to go there. I can let it go before I jump in. Sometimes, when I find myself angry, I can just stop and breath and find a way to let it go. Sometimes, I still run with it to the end, the pain in me finally becoming sufficient enough to make me stop.

As well, I am learning to say I'm sorry. To make amends for the pain my anger causes in others.

The big book says on the bottom of page 87:

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

No matter how fearful I feel, no matter how much self-pity, no matter how justifiable the reason to jump to anger, I need to remind myself of what my Higher Power's will is, not my will. To take God's direction. I don't think he's asked me, not even once, to become angry. Kindness and compassion toward others and toward myself.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my neighbours to the south. As for me, it's "Hey Ho, Hey Ho, It's off to work I go". We celebrated Thanksgiving in October so no holiday for us.

Photo Credit: RickyDavid


Shadow said...

i too get that anger. instant. overpowering. sometimes so easy to understand, control, blow away. other times it erupts.

my coda councillor said i need to just feel it without reacting to it, 'cause once i can feel it without being uncomfortable, that's when i can accept it and let it go... what a concept.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely identify with that anger and sometimes allow myself to wallow...but its just so much better to let it og...Thanks for the reminder..and your thoughtful posts of the last few days that I finally had a chance to catch up to..

steveroni said...

I do not get angry any more, not for a blong time...

and that is scary for me. because the time will come, that I'll feel that I "have the right to be angry"...

Not having BEEN angry for several years, I well might not be used to dealing with the feeling.

(Don't drink, and go to meetings, Steve (sigh!))

A Girl said...

I have a real problem with anger and it's making me crazy. I really need to work on it. :(

Lou said...

I have been dealing with just such an issue, just emailed my sponsor about it. In the past, I would have already wounded a relationship
I care about.

Good stuff again, sir.


I must admit that I haven't had that overwhelming instant anger that I know so well - in quite a while.

I am so completely grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon for teaching me gently and patiently how to change. Anger, as you said, causes me pain. I don't need that anymore.

Anonymous said...

That was a great post. Thanks once again for your honesty, and telling me what I need to hear today. I can still get angry, but that does not mean I have to be hurtful. I am starting to learn to ask myself just why is it I am angry, I'll do a mini fourth step in my head, it usually is something that I am powerless over. That takes me to 5,6 & 7. Usually ther next time that character defect pops up in someone else, I am not so quick to my anger, at them or myself.