Wednesday, December 3, 2008

ODAAT


Thank you for all of your encouraging words. The same words I received from my sponsor and from other members of the fellowship of AA.

I remember one morning, while I was in treatment, waking up to a blanket of depression. I hadn't felt depressed since I had entered treatment 4 weeks previous. I had already had my first experience with placing myself in my Higher Power's hands. I felt alarmed that depression had returned, I took it as evidence that treatment was failing me, that this God stuff was more BS. I wanted to be cured of this depression that had been a part of my life for the previous 35 years.

As I lay in bed, thinking about depression, the thoughts came that depression was just a feeling that could control me or a feeling that I could work through. I told myself that I had made a decision to turn my will and life over to God's care, and if nothing else, I would continue to take direction, trying to do the next right thing, in spite of what I was feeling. I got out of bed and started in the routine of that day. As the day progressed, and I shared what was going on with me that feeling of depression slowly lifted throughout that day.

Feelings of sadness still come to visit. Not nearly as intense nor as often when I compare back to my drinking and porning days. I have discovered that what I have been taught is true. In the sharing of my feelings, they lose power over me. That I am only as sick as my secrets. In being honest, open, and willing, I get to stay in recovery with you.

So now I'm feeling flat. A few of you have shared that your experiencing simular feelings, reminding me that I am not alone nor unique. I also remind myself that I am committed to working the steps. To do the work required to stay on this path my journey has put me on. That, just for today, not choosing the easier softer way. I place myself in my Higher Power's hands. I admit that I am powerless.

Sobriety is hard work with wonderful awards.

I have my own theory about why I am feeling down. I like to blame the Christmas Holiday. Bah, humbug, so to speak. So I'm going to live the month of December, one day at a time. Much easier to digest that way. (insert smiley face here)

Take care!

Photo Credit: Norma Desmond

5 comments:

~Tyra~ said...

Thank you so much for this post. I am feeling "flat" myself.

Cat said...

I normally appraoch the holidays feeling reserved - scared even, because of my chaotic past and my husbands history it is no wonder - but this year - with the program or with my renewed faith in something bogger than myself I am looking forward to the holiday. I have not felt this good about christmas since I was a kid.

I hope you are able to come out of the dark spot before the holiday arrives.

Cat

molly said...

nah - not alone or unique (although we like to THINK we are unique right?!)

trying one or so on this list can help too: http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2006/11/just-for-today-card.html

Annette said...

I love this post...thank you! Depression is so prevalent in our family and something someone is always battling. Thanks for the reminder to get up and choose to work through it. Yes turning our lives over to our HP is so huge, so freeing from all that keeps us bound. Really, this post just encouraged me so much this morning. Thanks. I needed your wisdom and insight today.

A Tampa Realtor said...

I understand those feelings! Am I an alcoholic? Yes. That pretty much somes up why we feel that way! Did I drink today? No. So that's a damn good day right?