Friday, January 30, 2009

Am I seeking?

The land of addiction is a malfeasant place indeed. Sometimes is just starts to get to me, the ugliness of human nature, the pain spread globally in this wanting to numb.

I wrote earlier this week about the two older sons abusing their mother as she was recovering from surgery. I also know a family who have four boys, all addicted to heroin, three of whom are dead now, the forth (well into his fifties) still living off his widowed mom. We can all add stories here. The pain we see in other families, the pain addicts in our family caused us, the pain my addictions caused people close to me.

I almost lost it last night. I came so close to becoming angry and belligerent toward a couple of addicts. A sponsee who deemed that it would be wiser not to tell me of his slip. Another whom I gave a ride (to my home group) and told me that he was just kicked out of his treatment centre when he relapsed on home trip the previous weekend. He carried whopping resentments and spent most of the drive trashing the councillor at the treatment centre. I wanted to stop the car, ask him to get out and not ask for another ride until he started to show some gratitude for people instead of just expecting everyone to help him. I was boiling inside, so angry. I didn't speak any words of advice. I just got him to the meeting.

There is lots of other drama in my life. In my house, my son is struggling, I believe he is still clean and sober but he has lots of relationship problems. There has been so much turmoil at work and I'm worried we are going to shutdown and we'll all be out of work.

I am thankful to God that words were shared at that meeting that shone a light on my problem.

So by now, gentle reader, you'll see that I'm struggling about being powerless and about being humble.

Helping others means I just get to share what worked for me. What working the steps achieved in my life. Expressing gratitude for the changes in my life. Helping others doesn't mean I get to be the police, making sure that sponsee's are thinking the right way or working the steps exactly as I did them.

Okay, what it really means is I'm not God. As much as I want to reach into the whole ugly mess of addiction and make it right, I cannot do it. There is so much ego in that thinking, so much blaming of God in that thinking, so much of my own character defects in that thinking.

I need to remind myself of the material on page 60 of the big book:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.


Thanks for letting me share. Thank you for you comments this week, they remind me that I am not alone, not unique, and not less. They remind me that I am just where God wants me to be today.

4 comments:

Shadow said...

that's some tough stuff you describe here. that letting go is so hard to do.....

Kathy Lynne said...

working with others can be so difficult...but I believe it keeps me sober..so I tough it out with the support of AA and God.

Annette said...

It is so hard. specially when watching one of your children. It is hard when you know what worked for you to not SCREAM it out at others in frustration when you see them flailing around out there.

BUT...we are powerless and we can only manage ourselves. And that is true. I can't manage everyone elses stuff and it has actually been a relief, when I take myself back to a place of accepting that, that I don't have to fix everything and everyone.

I loved what you said about...
"Helping others means I just get to share what worked for me. What working the steps achieved in my life. Expressing gratitude for the changes in my life. Helping others doesn't mean I get to be the police, making sure that sponsee's are thinking the right way or working the steps exactly as I did them."

So so so true and a wonderful reminder for me too. Thanks for sharing so honestly. I do appreciate it.

Indigo said...

I've learned along the way, what works for one, isn't always going to be a solution for another. There is no "one size fits all" in the recovery process. It's hard sometimes wondering why someone doesn't get it, want it enough.

In the end it's remembering to offer guidelines, but it's up to them to want it, to work it, to make it happen. We can't force that part of it. Yes, it gets frusterating...but it's humbling to remember we were in that place once upon a time. (Hugs)Indigo