Saturday, January 10, 2009

her


My partner described me as her best friend this morning and I felt like a miracle had taken place. I teared up.

Through past behaviours and attitudes, because I wanted to drink, to look at porn, to chat with other women more than I wanted to spend time with her, I had hurt her immensely. When I was swimming in a sea of depression, I was pushing hard, trying hard to get her out of my life but also too fearful to walk away because of the place that would leave me. I think I might have an idea of her pain because of the pain our son has caused us but probably not. She had both of us to contend with. It was obvious to her what was going on in my life but I could not, would not, allow myself to listen to her. I was right. She was wrong.

I've been working at recovery for almost four years, sober and clean for the past 33 months. As I think about the changes that have happened in this period, the biggest one was that I finally stopped thinking! Gave up that I was god, that I had all the right answers.

Councillors worked hard at trying to change my thinking, to get me to look at the world with different eyes. I became involved with Alanon and then to a treatment centre. Got involved with AA, working the program of AA to the best of my ability. Getting out of the way, allowing a power greater than myself to have some room in my head. I went to a one week retreat with a bunch of others and found out it's not just us addicts that struggle with life. Lots of others have trouble managing life as well. Learnt some new tools there. It was an eye opening experience. So many people had been offering help and support over the past few years. I am so glad I finally gave in and reached out for that help.

I stopped thinking and started to listen. I changed from being a rock to being a grain of sand on the beach. From me to we.

I believe that's was saved our marriage and my life.

me to we.


Photo Credit: Happy Horizons

9 comments:

Indigo said...

Such Beautiful sentiments! I had a hard time envisioning any God for a higher power in those early days. So I created an image of me, sober, healthier, with a dose of respect and empathy. That view became my higher power. Did I see myself as godly? Not at all, I saw what I could become and in that vision I knew as you've discover I was simply one person in a sea of humanity. My how you and I add our voices to that beautiful symphony, orchestra of beauty these days. Yes, we are a being of many. (Hugs)Indigo

Laura said...

Excellent post...

You are so blessed to have she and she is blessed to have you, as we. :)

Annette said...

Beautiful. You are blessed to have each other.

Patty said...

Great Post. I get filled up when my husband refers to me as his best friend too. He is definately mine. Thanks for sharing!

Shadow said...

from me to we. 4 words that span the universe. you've come a long way. well done!

Mary LA said...

What wonderful togetherness --

Love to both of you

Mary

Lou said...

I have a best friend also. It is truly a blessing. Nice post.

Kathy Lynne said...

really nice post.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

What a beautiful post. It is such a blessing to be married to one's best friend!