Thursday, January 29, 2009

I feel "less than"

This was written in response to an entry by An Irish Friend of Bills. I had wanted to write about how I end up feeling "less than" all the others I see is sobriety. But it changed as I wrote a comment to her blog.

I'm approaching the third anniversary of my sobriety date I find that I still struggle with my character defects, and that most days the concept of "a feeling of neutrality safe and protected" remains elusive.

The drink problem has been removed without a doubt. That I continue to have "daily reprieves based on my spiritual condition" is such a blast. Each night I have gratitude as I lay my head on the pillow and acknowledge to my Higher Power that I've been clean and sober one more day.

It's the "ism" that continues to haunt me. My 5th steps revealed to me just how much my life has been controlled by fear and just how much I desire to feel fearful. How often my thoughts bring me back to feeling afraid of some future boogie man.

I've been reading "The Power of Now" by Eckart Tolle and have been following his suggestion of taking on the roll of an observer, watching my own thoughts, seeing how they don't like to reside in the present moment, how they like to worry about something in the future.

Since I've started doing this, I have been taken aback at how much time I spend in this useless activity. How I always find a new (or old) reason to start again. Someone told me that how step 7 works is that we see ourselves working in our defects and when it finally becomes painful enough we do the work we need to do to stop behaving that way. God will help us get out of them but we need to do our part.

I can stop and imagine myself nestled in my Higher Powers hands, imagine that I am trusting God to be in control and then let go of my egotistical desire to have everything happen my way. It is a peaceful place that has yet to become a reality in my life. I imagine that it will become more of real to me as I continue down this journey of my life, doing the work I'm supposed to do.

As my first sponsor said to me so many times when I whinned at him because I was not changing fast enough for my liking. "If you want what I have, put in the time. Time takes time."

Thanks for the inspiration, Irish Friend of Bill. I am just where God wants me to be today. If I keep my eyes and ears open, if I stay honest and willing, there are lessons to be learned right here, right now.


Cat said...

I am growing comfortable finally with everything in its own time...

Prayer Girl said...

Thank God that as long as I keep doing my part, showing up, working the program, and trusting God - more "is" revealed.

The "less than" defect is nestled so far down in me that I don't know that it will ever be entirely eradicated in this lifetime, but I am grateful that it gets better and better as time goes by.

I trust God to entirely heal me - either in this life or the next.

Indigo said...

I'm almost 5 years into my sobriety...and I still struggle with that feeling of less than. I'm learning slowly, I have more going for me than ever before. I have to just try to find some semblence of serenity in that acknowledgement. I know I can't imagine life any other way but sober. (Hugs)Indigo

Pam said...

We must be in some of the same "life" places. I posted about STep 7 today.

Shadow said...

your sponsor is a wise one. seeing your insight into everything here, though, i think you've come miles and miles from where you were. you'll find those elusive ism's too, i'm sure.

Ann Voskamp @Holy Experience said...

Right here, right now... keep tasting, drinking, God in the moment. He has something for you here -- let go, and let Him come.

You blessed me in this place -- your wisdom, your searching, your wrestling it through.

You mentored me today and I thank you.

All's grace,