Wednesday, February 11, 2009

more review

I had written in January about feeling "less than", of how I feel inadequate around people. Those feelings were strong last night when I went to the district meeting and then to an AA meeting afterwards. When I become fearful of others, I withdraw, don't know what to say, don't trust my own thoughts, and always seem to have the opinion of the last person who spoke. I am easily swayed by people with strong personalities and at first I feel judged and then end up being resentful at myself and them. That resentment will turn into self pity as I allow myself to feel like a victim. Self pity becomes a reason to isolate and I start building the walls around me to protect myself from all people. This cycle has played out in my life since I was a child and I still choose to follow it's path. Kinda like the insanity it talks about in Step two.

My fears are based on ego. My ego is telling me that I have to be different. That I need to be more of a "man". That the solution is to suck it up and just be a man. Be a man among men. Just be that person I imagine myself to be. I've told myself this same solution since I was a child. I end up being a pretender, being someone I don't like being, and the facade falls apart as fear gains control again. I know that I have a lot of talents, that as a human being I have value (just as we all have value) but sometimes all that knowing escapes me.

As I did a fear inventory on my experiences of last night and this past weekend and was again taken by the wisdom in the Big Book. On page 68 it reads:

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.

We trust God rather than ourselves. All men of faith have courage. I've written in the past that when I am feeling fearful, I am trusting only in myself. The inventory I did about last night points out the same thing, I am trusting in myself and am failing myself. The answer is to put my hand in God's hands and walk where the Light takes me.

I wonder where all this is going to lead? One day at a time.

Photo credit: Stitch


Lou said...

I greatly respect the way you honestly examine yourself. And then so honestly share your feelings.

Anonymous said...

I don't know where it will go but I do know that it will be an incredible ride. I needed to hear this today. Thank you, Hank.

steveroni said...

Henk, how about (I really hesitate to write this) asking your sponsor, or bringing it up at a meeting. Suerly there are OTHERS who eith feel the way you do--or DID feel the way you do. I did!

Possibly ask your private physician if he thinks you need help from the medical profession--I am CERTAINLY not suggesting anything more here than "exploring" avenues of help. Because, at least in your writing, you sound somewhat depressed.

I feel almost ashamed, being so happy (from within) with life, when I read that others are not. And I can only say these things becauise I've BEEN THERE!

Your friend,
Steve E.

I read you often, and you have much to offer--in my (really) humble opinion. We all love you, and your blogging. Thank you.

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

"when I'm feeling fearful, I am trusting only in myself."

Gosh, there is so much good stuff in there that i cannot begin to comment without writing an essay. So I will simply say "thank you, for your navel-gazing into these deep topics. I learned something here today."


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

sounds like the human condition to me.

the problem is not the feelings themselves, its wether you make a problem out of them.

i think listening to these

would fill in the gaps of reasoning, concerning the way you habitually view these internal states.

also helping others is the other half of the equation. TRYING to be helpful. thats all. doing our LOUSY BEST and LETTING GO OF THE OUTCOME.

so yeah. i reckon you are fine.
keep on keeping on :)