Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Today is one of those days where I want to wrestle control back. I feel uphappy in my circumstances, wanting just about everything to be different, wanting to be alone. I am becoming angry, sullen, went to bed early last night so I wouldn't end up arguing with my partner.

Last night, I spoke with two sponsee's, returning their calls from earlier . Wrote a brief report that I give tonight at a meeting. Played a game with my family but by 9:00 p.m. I was ready to tear the house apart. My nerves felt on edge.

I am being resentful, selfish, dishonest (She asks "Is everything okay?" I said. "Yes."), and afraid. I don't feel fear but I have enough experience to know that beneath this all is some sort of fear. I do own an apology for my behaviour last night, even though the words were not said, my mood was obvious; not being kind and loving was the centre of the defect. I didn't do the one thing that I should have, talking with someone, either my partner or my sponsor, about what was going on. To try and run a comb through the tangles in my mind. I become self-centred when I'm struggling like this, thinking only of me.

A couple of my children are struggling, trying to come to grips with some painful episodes in their lives. I am powerless to help them, working hard not to say words that would alienate me from them. Letting go and letting God is never easy. 'specially if one is reluctant to surrender to and fully trust their own Higher Power.

I had my yearly physical and the doctor was a little worried. He advised me to loose a bunch of weight (45 lbs) and I've been working on it. The feeling of being hungry does wear thin after a while but to do the right thing, it's something I just put up with. The alternatives are not pleasant prospects. I had started to loose weight after Christmas, and am down 15 lbs, 30 more to go.

I think the symptom I worry about most is this low grade resentment I feel about service work. It's been around for a month or so and seems to be getting worse. I'm telling myself I'm doing too much, better slow down a bit. Truth is I'm not that busy, just want to think I am. I don't think that would be wise to slow back because service has been so important in my sobriety.

So here is the bottom line. I'm stuck in feelings that I know will pass. I haven't used or drank through these past few day which is something I do feel grateful for. In all this emotional stew, there is still an undercurrent of spirituality, a pull toward God. While the journey I am on is at an uncomfortable stage, it's a place to be taught if I can remain open.

Lets see what comes along today.

Photo Credit: Pensiero


steveroni said...

Irritable, restless, and discontent! Sounds so much like that old full moon thing. And we who are experiencing this are baffled.

And I tended bar for years. Nobody ever had to let me know when was the full moon. People everywhere--especially at night--behaved like four-legged animals. (I do not wish to insult the animal community.)

Today will be better--it almost always IS. Ride safe!

Annette said...

Sometimes it is all just hard. Be gentle with yourself.

Shadow said...

how i like the way you think and talk your way through the 'tough' feelings... you'll get there, solid and in one piece.

Cat said...

Often times I find it absolutely strange and wonderous that I can find a post that relates to me so easily and better than that find a post that bears a message that I needed to read - today it was the part about being stuck in feelings that I know wont last forever...


Anonymous said...

I know this is not where you're going Hank, but you might take a closer look at that 'service' work.

I spent a lot of time at first with alcoholics who didn't want to get sober and it was draining and a waste of time. If people don't want to stop drinking, they don't stop drinking. They resist everything.

Now I've learned to say 'Go away until you want to do this' and stick with those who are working the Steps and listening and making an effort.

Much less frustrating and I don't feel like a martyr all the time.



Indigo said...

Time moves forward, that which troubled us yesterday has no merit today. Your human hon, life will never have it's perfection. All the emotions you described are within reason when you worry how your children are dealing and feel helpless to help them. Your father first, a partner next and I'm sure somewhere in the midst is something just for you.

Maybe take some serenity time for yourself. It's hard to be there for someone else when you feel depleted. (Hugs)Indigo