Monday, June 29, 2009

Humbly asked God.

The topic of discussion, last night, was step seven. "Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings." We read the chapter on the step from "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" and this particular passage jumped out at me:

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear--primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. (page 76)

Seems like I have lots of reasons for fear at this particular moment. The biggest one is my addicted child who decided to take his life back into his own hands and have fun again. He's slipped a few times over the past couple of months and the frequency is increasing. He moved out of our home last week and is now with a couple friends he made while in AA. Friends who are having the same problems as he. If I dwell on it, the fear grows out of proportion to the problem.

When I was a child, I felt a lot of fear. That fear disappeared when I drank. When I sobered up, I got all my fears back. Most of my fears I can let go of and put in my Higher Power's hands. The fears around my child seem to be the most troublesome. Trouble being I have read the statistics around recovery, I've listened to the stories of parents who walk the same road that my partner and I travel. Makes it hard to just trust God.

I need to remind myself (constantly) that I am powerless over addiction. Both my own drinking and my child's drugging. The big book reminds me that probably no human power could have relieved my alcoholism nor anyone elses. My partner and I love this child deeply but we cannot cure him. We both let go of him in our own ways. Myself by placing him in God's hands and praying that God's will be done in his life and then making an effort to trust God. I also pray that I would have help in staying out of the way. Not to jump in and start playing God again. Not to play silly games that would temporarily relieve my fears. I hope that he will come to that place of surrender and turn his will and life over to God's care. I also know there is no magic wand that changes us, that my child needs to become willing on his own.

What is important for me is to do what God want's me to do today. To reach out to others and be of service to them. To continue to work my program of recovery. To be available to sponsee's and not let my life's circumstances divert me from what is working well in my life.

I haven't written here for half a year. I have remained clean and sober, by the grace of God. In March, I reached the three year milestone on my journey of recovery. So grateful for the privilege of being on this journey. Working with others seems to be the key for me. Gets me out of my own thinking and changes the me to we.

There is a sentence just before the paragraph I quoted that reads "We now clearly see that we have been making unreasonable demands upon ourselves, upon others, and upon God." Reading that seems to make it a bit easier to accept myself and my fearfulness. I don't have to solve all the problems. Just need to have some love and compassion and a willingness to listen and to share my experience. Can keep the fixing tools put away, they don't work.

Thank you for letting me share, to see these words on a screen. Somehow, it brings clarity to my thoughts.

Photo credit: Aussieqall


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

as you already said yourself, beleif meant reliance not defiance

yeah i know its hard to accept unpleasant conditions. but you just have to have faith that we all have our own path.
thanks for sharing and nice to see you back posting :)

Mary (MPJ) said...

I've been thinking of you and wondering what happened. So glad to hear that all is well.