Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Weaving lessons

I've worked for the same employer for over 30 years and was recently told that my services are no longer required. I have been laid off and am now pursuing other activities. I would like to be able to go university and have another career before I retire someone off in the future.

But, and I shouldn't be surprized, is how much fear I have around loosing my job and having a future that's not full of salary and benefits.

On page 67 of the Big Book there is a paragraph that reads:

Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.

I think the analogy of an evil and corroding thread is so apt. My life has been so full of fear, all decisions made in the past, especially before I fell into recovery, had been made for the easier, softer way, always to appease my fear. Even now, trying to make decisions about the future seems impossible. Fear has stolen so much from me, stopped me from taking any kind of risk. Made it impossible to truely enjoy life.

Well, the feeling of fear is still alive and well within me. I'm hoping that what's different today is that my decisions are not being made with fear driving the bus. That today, as a result of turning my will and life over to my Higher Power's care, of being aware of how my character defects can control me, of working those 12 steps of recovery, I can make better decisions. I can let myself understand that they don't have to be the perfect decisions. I can allow my partner and I to make the decisions together. I can talk about them with my sponsor and with other elder statesmen in our group.

As I write this, I am filled with gratitude that I am a part of a community. I am no longer alone. That there is so much help and experience out in the world that people are willing to share. That I am partnered with a wonderful human being. I never imagined this as part of the package when I decided entered recovery. An amazing gift.

This morning, I am still feeling fearful. Lots of things in life seem to be up in the air, with me being powerless over all of them. Feeling the fears is one thing, acting because of them is another. With the help of a Higher Power, with the wisdom of community, and having a sober mind, we can make choices and actually be a part of life. Wow.

Photo Credit: John Burke


Carol said...

Hi, It's my first time on your site and what a day for you! Thankfully, you are NOT alone and more importantly, you realize it. Good luck.

Annette said...

I'm sorry. I live in a lumber mill town and someone I know has worked there since he was a teenager. the only job he has ever had, no education really to speak of, and they just closed the mill. He is a rough, kind, 47 year old uneducated male who is a single father to two teenage daughters.

The thing that amazed me was that he was ok when I spoke to him. He was looking at it as an opportunity. A life change.

Life is scary much of the time....but we can always go back to our foundation...we can rest in the knowledge that a power greater than us has it all under control.

Hang in there.