Tuesday, July 14, 2009


There was a time in my life when I felt isolated, alone, out-of-place, unique, and just plain fucked up. I was depressed and full of self-pity. And then I made a discovery. The secret was in plain view. It was bottled up in a smooth clear container. The fluid was amber in colour and smelled of heaven. As I drank it's contents, the fear evaporated, I felt at home, like I belonged. I became funnier and more of a person. We laughed and laughed. I had found the answer to all my problems and really began to live my life.

At the end of my drinking days, I still thought of alcohol as the solution. I was drinking alone, hiding in my den, looking at porn, visiting adult chat rooms, using many unsavoury tools to feel like I still belonged, had value and worth, a member of the human race. The part I enjoyed was that period of time after I had passed out. That deep darkness where nothing could touch me, where nothing would trouble me. My fantasies had moved from sexual to suicidal. I knew where I was going.

And then grace intervened. Inside the rooms of AA I found a new path to walk on. A journey in the brightness of sunlight. I found myself outside of my cave, no longer in the darkness of despair. I had relationship with a group of men and women who all walked in grace. Who actually wanted me to join them and serve with them. I found myself tucked into the hands of a loving God, who was compassionate, kind, and patient. My Higher Power had done for me what I could not do for myself. I am so very thankful for this.

Yet, there are times, like last Saturday, where I felt extremely resentful, far removed from grace. Wanting the world to be different, making everything my business for I could find fault in all. I was just like that young man before he found a solution inside a bottle. "I felt isolated, alone, out-of-place, unique, and just plain fucked up. I was depressed and full of self-pity." I wanted to quit AA and fall from grace. So I went to a meeting at lunch time.

I was asked to share and spoke of the poison within me. I was invited to lunch with a couple of men and as we shared each others burdens, those burdens lightened. I called up a friend I had made while I was in treatment and we went to a meeting together that evening in the town where he live. The meeting was full of laughter. I listened, feeling at peace and at home, close to God and grace. We laughed at how easy we can fall into self-pity. We laughed at how suicidal thoughts can still spring up in our minds if left to our own devices. We laughed at how we were in a room full of people that understood why we were laughing. I felt at home, like I belonged.

I read this wonderful passage in a book titled SoulMates by Thomas Moore:

Relationship is not a project, it is a grace. The difference between these two is infinite, and since our culture prefers to make everything in life a project, to be accomplished with effort and understanding, to be judged pure failure when it doesn't arrive at an expected conclusion, it is not easy for us to treat intimacy as a grace.

I saw that my sobriety is not a project. Work the steps and there I am, a cured alcoholic. It is a daily walk with God, with you, in grace. It's not my doing. Nor is it my business, as an Irish Friend of Bill pointed out, to judge what it is that you are doing. We walk down this road of grace together, imperfect, fucked up, never arriving at that place of perfection. God's will, not mine.

Thank you for letting me share.

Photo credit - Dunechaser


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

cool. glad you got back 'in' with your aa possee :)
AA is the pub with no beer :) i LOVE the fellowship. its cool.
yeh. the human condition is very !! unflattering and we NEVER outgrow it :)


George Michael - Flawless(Go to the City)
lyrics listed. He says:
"..I think you know that you are, more than just, a F!!**ked up piece of ass.."

I like these two slogans as well..
Things are never as bad or as good as you think!

Are you hoping that one day everything will be fine and you'll enjoy everything?

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

hahaha LOVE the pic. very !!! funny

Anonymous said...

I really liked this post, thanks for sharing.