Saturday, July 11, 2009

More about me.

In taking a looking at my internal landscape, I noticed a lot of resentments. Just about all of them related to AA in one way or another. Toward members who do not return my call, especially after being told to call them. Toward my sponsor who seems to have dropped out of sight, never answering my calls over the last couple of months. Toward my home group after the last meeting because no one spoke with me after the meeting after I shared about the struggles I'm going through. Toward sponsee's who either ran off with my son or another who is backing away from the program because he is doing better. The resentments seem to grow stronger as I list them here.

It's obvious to you and to me that this list is concerned totally about me. What others can do for me. In that space behind my eyes I can analyze it, see it, but am still powerless to do anything about it. I'm not even sure what I want from all these people, what I want them to do for me? I've been hoping to have conversations with people who would share how they got through difficult times in their own lives or, perhaps, simply an acknowledgement that at this particular moment, my life is uncomfortable. To be told I'm full of self-pity when I already know that just doesn't seem to be helpful. On another level, it feels like I have no voice or I'm not being heard and that just feels lonely.

This mornings "Daily Reflections" offered the following:

Either the A.A. way of life becomes one of joy or I return to the darkness and despair of alcoholism. Joy comes to me when My attitude concerning God and humility turns to one of desire rather than of burden. The darkness in my life changes to radiant light when I arrive at the realization that being truthful and honest in dealing with my inventory results in my life being filled with serenity, freedom, and joy. Trust in my Higher Power deepens, and the flush of gratitude spreads through my being. I am convinced that being humble is being truthful and honest in dealing with myself and God. It is then that humility is something I "really want," rather than being "something I must have."

There is not a lot of serenity, freedom and joy on my landscape. It boils down to the fact the trust I have in my Higher Power still contains a lot of fear. Many people die in their addictions every day. There is simply no way to prevent that from happening. Parents loose their children. Period. It's a fact that won't go way, no matter how much I pray. That fear of the unknown, that desire to be in control of my child's destiny, prevents the trust from happening. I want to live in a land with unassailable interpretations, complete with firm expectations and demands.

I know that land doesn't exist. Thomas Moore, in his book SoulMates, wrote the following line: "Insecurity may devolop out of a fear of what life can bring if it's allowed to be free."

There is a strong tether between my addicted child and myself. This tether exists only in my own mind. There must be a way of letting go and letting God have this tether because today it's not helping my child nor myself. But I do I learn the trust to let the outcome be what ever it's supposed to be?

The only words that come to mind are what I heard in an Alanon meeting. The changes come into our lives slowly, simply and subtly. Or, as my first sponsor says, "Time takes time."

Photo Credit: Stephen Poff


Lou said...

I relate to you and your son. Right now, it's easy for me to walk the talk, because he is locked up. It's totally different when you see them losing weight and deteriorating mentally.

My sponsor is too busy for me also. I've been kind of waiting for "permission" to get another one.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

yeah been there done that. ! just human nature...
when i feel like that i thik of it as my own self centredness, my own BS spun put in thto the shape of self centredness.
but if your home group is not 'service orientated' and reaching out to help others, you should find a meeting that does more service if you can find one.

this old post sums up my understanding of self centredness
Control Freak: Being Self Centered and The Actor running the Show

This 'mantra' ! helps me a lot as well..

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

weird. its the other way round here. there is a lot more active male sponsorship than female sponsorship. usually there are tons of guys who are willing to do service.
some meetings here no-one goes out for coffee after. i deliberately choose meetings where they do as i find it too scattered and alienating when people just disappear off at the end. its impossible to get to know people if they dont chat afterwards. the fellowship is much better when people stick around after, but only vertain meetings do that.
rather than convert the unwiling, i just find a meeting where people are doing what i like. of course there will be the ocaasional nutter or person with a chip on his shoulder. you get that everywhere. but it makes life a lot easier if you attend meetings where people by and large are doing what you agree with. eg service, sponsoring and coffe after.

Anonymous said...

Trust that God knows what He is doing. Focus on YOUR recovery. And for God's sake quit looking at other people to make you OK, they will ALWAYS let you down.
Focusing on outcomes, that gets me in trouble every time. It's right up there with expectations.
Maybe it is time for you to change gears with your meetings.
I used to get really P.O.'d at my sponsor for not calling me back, but then it was pointed out to me, that I was leaving messages that sounded like everything was great and I just wanted to chit-chat. Let him know that it is very important and you really need to talk to him, I bet you get a call back, if not, pray about what to do.
One more thing, step one.