Friday, July 17, 2009

Step 1

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Entry into recovery, for me, was the admission that I was powerless over alcohol. Powerless over my addictions, powerless over anyone else's addiction. In fact, by using the word "we", there is an admission that AA is powerless over alcohol. This points me toward the ABC's listed on page 60 of the big book.

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
I could not stop drinking and porning, I could not control or manage my life. I couldn't stop nor could the threat of loosing everything I held near and dear give me the motivation or will power to stop. I knew I had to stop, but was unable to do so. I had tried for years. Not until I put myself into God's hands, willing to do as my Higher Power (as I understand him or her to be) suggested, was I able to stay clean and sober for one complete day. Then start weaving all those "one day at at time"'s into a tapestry called life. I am thankful for what has happened, for the life I have had given to me as a gift.

Yet, last Saturday morning, I was willing to throw it all away as if I was a petulant child, throwing it's toy away because something annoys him.

So I come to the second part of step one, that my life is unmanageable. I am incapable of living harmoniously with other human beings when I want my life to be different. When I try to take away the pain of all that's going on in my life, I end up a fearful man because I fail. I wanted to tie up all the loose ends into one neat package with a happed ending for all. I can't pull this off and for that I become resentful, blaming everyone else.

Back to the big book, just below the A.B.C.'s.

Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.
But most of us know what happens. (read here) I am not the manager of life, not mine, not anyone elses.

I am so thankful that I am still sober today. Went to a lot of meetings the past few days, kept my mouth shut and listened. Spoke with members after the meetings and listened again. Heard a lot of good stuff and am willing now to just sit with the pain, accept that life brings what life brings, and learn to trust in my Higher Power more and more. I know that holding all the poison within me will sicken me more and more. Sharing, talking, being open and honest, is the way to walking in the sunlight. Surrender, turning my will and life over to the care of God, is how I can continue walk in the sunlight. It keeps the darkness of self pity at bay.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: Ricky David


Lou said...

Scott W had a great quote on his blog yesterday from Will Rogers. It was something like "if we are all stars, who will be there on the sidelines to clap." Your post reminded me of that..all of us wanting to be at the center of the universe.

Only when we put God in the center do we find our rightful place.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Cool. The truth will set you free.
If the lines of communication are open and you are trying not to harm others, and looking for even the smallest way to be of service, then only good can come from that.

Keep the faith, and the good stuff will show up, just you wait and see :)

Annette said...

Great great stuff here. The stuff that good healthy life is made of. learning to shut and just be is huge....whatever just "being" may bring. To navigate it and not escape it...those are huge acts of courage and faith. Thank YOU for sharing.

Syd said...

It sounds as if you have the necessary tools to move beyond the darkness and self pity. I find that those depths of despair don't last very long anymore.