Thursday, August 13, 2009

every ounce of will and action

Forest fires in my mind. When someone does something or says something that irritates me, a spark lands in the tinder of my mind and I blow on that spark, creating a fire of resentment. (I can see myself huffing and puffing until I'm red in the face.) The heat of that resentment (read failed expectations) often results in an emotional meltdown. Painful for others, painful for me.

I've been trying not to fan those sparks this week. To keep my mind still when the sparks appear. I am powerless over those sparks of resentments, embers of failed expectations, of being emotionally dependent upon people or circumstances. They pop up all the time. I'm just trying to let them go.

Wish I could report that I am doing well. I've had a couple of meltdowns, particularly of one in a mall, that I am embarrassed about. I've had some good days as well, enough good time to keep on trying not to fan those sparks.

This morning, as I continued to read from the booklet, "The Best of Bill", I noticed this in the essay titled Faith.

Therefore, faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. So may we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfil that immense trust which the giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

The essay reminded me that it's not only will and action that will help me along me journey. Faith is an important part of my journey. Not faith in me, that I know everything or am the only one with right ideas, but a faith in God that results in letting go, in trusting, in fewer expectations. A faith that allows me to be compassionate as my Higher Power is. A faith that helps me to be kind and gentle. To paraphrase the Prayer of St. Francis, a faith that would let me:

Sow love where there is hatred
pardon where there is injury
faith where there is doubt
hope where there is despair
light where there is darkness
joy where there is sadness.

One day at a time, we will get there.

Photo credit: Matthew Stewart


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

hey progress not perfection :)
as long as the trend is roughly toward a better life we are doing ok. rome wasn't built in a day and the only instant thing in aa is the coffee :) so you just need to be patient with your less flattering aspects, as we will always have them anyway, and just do our lousy best :)
All sounds like healthy progress to me :) Very ego puncturing, but whats new? hehe

Syd said...

These things happen. As long as I am mindful of them, then I can change my behavior and strive to do better.

Lou said...

The prayer of StFrancis is beautiful and perfect.

Repeating to myself "Thy will, not mine" helps me curb my tongue.