Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Somethings going on inside.

This past June, I started writing in this blog again, the perceived emotional pain I was feeling from being layed off after 35 years of working and from my addicted child going their own way again had begun overwhelm me. I had to talk about them, to get them out in the open. The fearfulness, the self-pity, the anger, the lack of faith , the feelings that have ruled my life, they needed to be exposed.

I wrote about them here, I shared them at meetings, I spoke with my sponsor. I needed to live "one day at a time" to get through. I heard words of support, words of criticism, words of anger as I shared my stuff. Didn't matter. I've been taught to keep everything in the open and to be as honest as I can be.

And this past week, I've run out of words. The pressure that was pushing the words out seems to be gone. Something has changed inside but I'm not sure what. It's been a week and a half since I sat on a beach and read the essay "Love" from the Best of Bill. Leaning against a log and seeing how my emotional dependencies were suffocating my spirit. Witnessed a transformation in the "Prayer of St. Francis." How it became so full of spirit and truth.

I don't understand this change because I still have episodes of being fearful, still prone to self-pity, still have this need to be in control. My partner and I had a couple of difficult days over the weekend. My addicted child is not behaving in an manner that I would label as appropriate. I lay away, one night, worried about the child. Life goes on.

What's changed is that I don't seem to feel uncomfortable with myself, I have lost some of that impatience for change within myself. There is some contentedness at my core. That where I am, I need to be. Could be a measure of self-acceptance. I feel a lot of gratitude for the change. I have gratitude that I can start expressing hope again.

Thanks for taking time to read this and for sharing your support with me. For being non-judgemental with me.

Some of the books I have read or am reading this past couple of months have been:

Me to We - Craig and Marc Kielburger (web page)
Dark Night of the Soul - Thomas Moore
Care of the Soul - Thomas Moore
Spiritual Literacy - Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat
Emotional Sobriety - Grapevine Publications

All good reads.

From Spiritual Literacy:

Leave the past to God's mercy. Leave the future to God's discretion. This moment is all there is.

Photo Credit: eyesplash Mikul


Annette said...

Being ok with where we are at, being at peace there...even if we are not complete or not where we want to be or think we should be...what a gift of the program huh. Being ok with ourselves. Who ever would have thought?!

Syd said...

I know how you feel. It is a calmness that comes over me. I don't have to make things happen for anyone and can just accept my state of being. Great post. Glad that you are where you need to be this day.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

sounds great! good progress

reminded me of the second half of this talk by amaro called fearless mountaib

Fearless Mountain
June 6th, 2006
Ajahn Amaro

Mary LA said...

I really love the work of Thomas Moore.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy for you! Sometimes it takes a while, but we come through the other side. Thanks so much for recommending "The Best of Bill", it had a profound effect on me too. I will check out the others as well. Another that I rely on a lot is Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home."