Thursday, September 17, 2009

Not my way

I remember this game which I played as a child, I believe it was called Labyrinth. It was a wooden board that could tilt in four directions. The object was to control the marble by tilting the board, running the marble through a maze and prevent the marble from falling down the traps (holes in the board.)

I'm feeling like that marble today, my circumstances giving my life direction. I've had to withdraw from 4 classes and return to work. I'm still enrolled in one evening class (hurrah!) The choice to return was made by both my partner and I. I feel, well, deeply sad.

The mood at work is darker than I remember it. In speaking with various workmates yesterday, it was if I was talking to prisoners. It is surreal in that place of employment. There are some that are trying their best to be optimistic, some who have given up. Most of us who were laid off and are now returned to work have not been given meaningful work. It's like they have parked us, placed us on hold. Most of us believe there is going to be some kind of announcement in the next couple of weeks that will affect all staff in the plant. Time will tell.

So, I am really using "one day at a time." I want to come from a place where I believe that I can do something good for others while I'm in the plant. That there is a reason I am there. I am going to try not to fall into a place of self-pity or anger. I must tell that, upon my return to work, when my manager told me what I would be doing the exact same work that I was told three months ago was no longer required, I became angry. Not at him, but at the circumstances. I apologized afterwards but can still feel that anger simmering deep in my belly. Acceptance is so important for me today.

Today, I am gratefully sober and clean. There has been no desire to drink over all this. My attitude is so much more positive that it was three, four years ago. My partner and I are still talking, still close. I know that I have lessons to learn, that the classroom of life is open. (I also know that I will have occasions of sadness, self-pity, and anger for the next while, it's just the way I am.)

Each day I pray that I would learn to trust my Higher Power more. And, in my circumstances of today, I find I have reason to. Thank you.

Page 68 in the Big Book reads:

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

Photo Credit: DigiDragon


Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I love that you are looking for something good to offer others at you job that you hate right now. I am in a similar situation. Grateful for the job, but feel like many of my talents are wasted. I too today will try hard to make a difference at my job, and every day from now on. See, you helped someone with this post today already:)

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

"be as gentle as doves but as wise as serpents"

often employers wait three months to avoid redundany payment. if they took you on beofre three months, it would be deemed to be continous service, so you would get redundancy money for the fomer period again.
after 3 months its a new contract of service. gives them a lot more leeway. means they can dictate terms. do what they like.

thats how it in the uk, might be the same in us. ask an employment lawyer if you can afford one.

Lou said...

What you describe is being played out in workplaces all over, especially here in the Rust Belt. I'm blessed with fulfilling work, but my husband goes from contract job to contract job..for the auto companies no less. I have gotten used to the uncertainty (because I know we can depend on my paycheck), but after 15 years of this, he still vacillates between "I'm ok, I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm not worried" and so on.

It really is something that has to be trusted to God.

Syd said...

I think that these are confusing times for many. My thoughts are that I'm glad to have a job, albeit I'll be retiring in about six months. So the remaining time will be as productive as possible. Difficult at times but productive.