Friday, September 4, 2009

Sunlight


Awakening one morning, I feel alive and centred in the universe. Another morning there is nothing but grumpiness at my core. Sometimes I can fully accept all that is happening around me and walk through it all. The next day I am trying to align the stars in deep space so I can have a measure of peace. Some days I dislike myself and other days I'm content.

And that is progress. Wonderful changes in my life. There were long periods where depression, self-pity, self-hatred and longing for nothingness were my relentless companions. I need not have them for friends anymore. I don't have to live in that cave of darkness. What a wonderful gift is given to us when we get pulled out of the bottle. We get to breath and feel and grow and change and live. No longer alone, I can walk hand in hand with a compassionate, patient, understanding, power that is greater than myself. I can walk this journey with you, sharing the joys and the pains of living with each other. I can sit in the rooms of AA and be part of without having to be greater than. I can visit with folk and just be one of. Such changes from what was.

Today, I am feeling fearful, a bit sad, frustrated, excited, happy, and hopeful. If one were to take all those emotions and mix 'em up in the blender what colour would we get? Bet it would look like a rainbow.

We have lots of family coming to visit over the long weekend. I am starting school full time next Tuesday. My new sponsor has time to listen and talk. I realize that I don't have to be perfect, that being grumpy is okay. All these events are generating feelings. (Just had a thought about harnessing emotions and turning them into electrical power, there would be so much electricity that we could shut down the oil wells.) Feelings that I am powerless over but don't have to react over. I don't need to be in control of these feelings. Nor do I have to be cured of these feelings. They are part of me, they are part of you. I am part of all the imperfection that comes with being human.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

"not to be understood as to understand."

Photo credit: TW Collins

3 comments:

Annette said...

Hey hank, Enjoy your weekend and new beginnings. You sound good. I'm happy for you.

Lou said...

Makes perfect sense to me. Good luck with school. I wish I were going to school, I just love it!

Syd said...

There's a lot going on in your life. Sometimes things can seem overwhelming but all will sort itself out. Good luck with school.