Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Trusting


There have been a few times in the past week where I've wanted to just pinch myself to reassure myself this isn't a dream. Sitting in class, participating in conversations I had never imagined I could have, staying right sized and hearing new ideas, and enjoying the enthusiasm of young adults, these experiences are so different than the heavy negativism I have experienced at work. Keeping up with homework and service work and even found time to play in the surf last Saturday. (The waves were scary big.) I never had believed that life could give so much when it was being lived.

I was layed off a few months ago, and shared my intentions with my employer about returning to school. There were a lot of issues around my layoff, more than I want to go into here, but there were lawyers involved and stuff around the legality of the layoff. It's just a long long story. The gist of it is that I could only attend school with the blessing of my employer, and that they at any time, could pull the pin and I would lose the financial funding to attend school. I could still attend school with out that financial support but it would place a big burden upon my life partner and I've burdened her enough in the past. Not going to happen.

So where I was going? The week before school started, my employer called and told me they had no intention of calling my back to work and that going to school would be a great idea. So that's what I did. Now last week, I was called again and I have been told to report to work tomorrow, doing the exact same work I was doing when I was layed off, work that I was told is meaningless. I'm confused. Friends at work think there is some legal finaglings goin on. So since last week, I've been contacting various people at work, trying to understand what is going on. I should know this afternoon the final decision. I've still been going to classes this week, hoping to keep on going. It's been a very emotional week, happy to be at school, struggling with accepting I might have to go to work.

So I sit in the hands of my Higher Power, trying to trust that what ever is going to happen is meant to be. I've spent the whole summer jumping through hopes to get into school and I have learned a lot in that process. I will keep learning, no matter where I am. The following paragraph from the chapter on Step 12 is where I would like to be one day:

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. It we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. These were the new attitudes that finally brought many of us an inner strength and peace that could not be deeply shaken by the shortcomings of others or by any calamity not of our own making. (Page 116, Twelve and Twelve)

Photo Credit: moonlight on celluloid

4 comments:

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Wow, that quote is powerful. I really like "if we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God.." Very powerful statement for me and I thank you for sharing it today.

I hope that your work and school will balance out and you will be able to pursue both avenues if you so desire.

Madison said...

You are a good example of what is going on in the lives of so many employees. Hopefully, things will turn around soon. If you go to school with that much enthusiasm, I hope you'll find time to keep going.

Patty said...

You sound terrific! I love school too!

Syd said...

Sitting in the hands of my Higher Power is a great place to be. Good luck with school--I spent most of my life in institutions of higher learning and don't regret a moment of it. Enjoy it all.