Sunday, December 13, 2009

getting to the unmire.

I agree, it's true, I am stuck in the mud. The kind of mud that sucks the shoes off your feet when you try to take a step. The kind where you loose your balance and fall flat on your ass -- ending up deep in the quagmire. The mud acts as a catalyst to the manufacture of anger, of resentments, of self-pity and depression. The harder I try to fight it, the more I pull or push or shove or demand or want my life on my terms, the deeper in I go, the more stuck I get.

So I am here because I feel the world to be unfair and unjust. Because I have been feeling that I am part of the problem, not part of the solution. Which keeps me stuck in the mud.

I am thankful that I am not alone. I am thankful for the words, prayers, and help offered by those around me. I could never get unstuck on my own. I am grateful for what the 12 steps have given me, what my friends have shown me. I am thankful that I did not drink or porn in the last few weeks, although that was the closest I had come since being given this gift of sobriety. I am thankful for the lessons teaching me not to throw out the baby with the bath water.

Back to basics, one day at a time, and change will come when it's ready. I just need to do the work.

Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were. (page 48 of the Big Book)
Thank you, friends.

Photo credit: should be one of - Jimee, Jackie, Tom or Asha


thailandchani said...

I agree that life is unfair and often brutal - and there is a certain peace to be gained by dealing with life on life's terms without allowing bitterness to rule us.


Annette said...

Its kind of like when you have lost your way....I find that in my experience the best thing to do is to stop, be still and look around and see what the reality of the situation is, get my bearings, and begin to branch out from there if there is any action to be taken. Sometimes the best action is no action.

I just watched the movie My Name is Bill W. Its the story of the founders of you probably know. :o) The basic premise for AA was one drunk getting together with another drunk, that they couldn't do it alone. How simple...yet how courageous to let someone else in when you are broken. I loved it... a beautiful story of humility, brokenness, and surrender.

Syd said...

I think that the razor's edge is always there. I can fall off on either side but it's a balancing act to stay right in the middle.