Thursday, December 31, 2009

grit's okay.

This past year has been a most difficult passage of time. The river of life has been generous in gifting me with lessons. Unfortunately, I seem to end most of these lessons with a deeper dislike of myself, blaming myself for not growing and changing, self resentment growing and resentment of those around me growing at the same time. It's been a challenging year for those close to me, especially to the one who shares the nest.

Irish Friend of Bill wrote "You are Lovable" and after reading, I'm left with a bit of hope that sooner or later I am going to get it.

Not sure how it's going to happen but I have been told that if I keep doing the "work" eventually I'll get to that place of self-acceptance. I vision self-acceptance as seeing myself through my Higher Power's eyes and not my own.

I would not trade this past year back. I'm sure that what has come my way is still changing me, still at work deep within. I want to change, am powerless to change, so the only way is to let the natural erosion of life do it's work. In God's way and in God's time.

From page 84 of the big book:

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

Photo Credit: Broterham


Lou said...

Hank, I think you do more work on yourself than 99% of the world. I believe it gets easier, that the work pays off. It has been that way for me, since I started turning my will over to God every morning.

I'm glad you came back to blogging this year, your posts always tell me something about my inner self.

Enchanted Oak said...

Hi, Hank,
I popped in from the blogosphere because I searched my own interests, namely, Alcoholics Anonymous, and you came up. I stopped by to say hi, and discovered that we're reading many of the same blogs. I'm pretty new at this, so when I found Tall Kay, I went to the blogs she followed. Now we're great buddies. And I love Lou.

I've been sober almost all of the past 20 years, but I stopped doing the deal, as we say here, and got drunk again at 15 years. About the time you got sober, I got sober again too after 4 months of hell.
You quote the promises and Irish Friend (I read that post) and you speak of the trouble you have, disliking yourself.

I have a long experience with that. Just wanted to say that the solution I found was extensive work with other alcoholics. It keeps me out of myself and also gives me a sense of peace inside.

You CAN learn to care for yourself. It requires work in training your mind not to dwell on your own shortcomings. Dwelling on my shortcomings is a form of selfishness and pride (I have super high standards for myself and expect I should be perfect).

I've learned to steer my thoughts away from derogatory ones to thoughts of gratitude, other people, prayer, and the next right indicated action I should be taking instead of indulging in negative self-talk. It really works very well and very quickly. But you have to be rigorous about it. Those negative thoughts will come right back; it's a habit we alcoholics are used to. Habits can be broken with consistent effort.

There. I really felt burdened for you. Sorry I went on so long (I haven't even met you yet!). In my blog, I don't always talk AA, because I'm a poet as well as a recovering boozer. But I've given the blog to God, and my Higher Power is in there every day, in some way. Come by sometime.
Chris A

Syd said...

Getting out of myself takes work, every day. Al-Anon teaches me to keep the focus on myself but not in a selfish way. It means that I inventory myself and understand that when I feel angst, I understand where that is coming from. I do my best to avoid the irrational thinking that takes me down. Being grateful, trusting in a Higher Power, working with others, going to meetings, writing and blogging are all ways that help me to move forward on the journey of recovery and to be comfortable with who I am.
I too am glad that you write here.