Monday, December 14, 2009

No safety net?

We read Step Seven out of the Twelve and Twelve last night. The words seemed loud and bright as we took turns reading the paragraphs around the table. The sharing that followed was raw and vulnerable. I saw how much our program of recovery depends upon humility. In the opening paragraphs of the chapter I read:

Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.'s Twelve steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. Nearly all of A.A.'s have found, too, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven't much chance of becoming truly happy. Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency. (page 70)

I shared last night that I could not explain what the word humility means but I know I am lacking it. Another member pointed out a line in the same chapter that reads "As long as we placed self reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will, was missing"

It dawned on me that I had been feeling very unsafe the past few weeks. I was tired of the out of control feelings, the groundlessness, the having to sit back and watch, the fear of my Higher Power's will. I did not and do not want to loose my child. The thought of having to bury a child filled me with dread that turned to anger. What ever humility I possessed was pushed to the side in my rush to take over and make sure all was safe in my world.

There is a line on page 71 that goes "For thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige, and romance." I never had paid attention to the word "security" in that line. How destructive, for me, is the desire for security, for safety, for having my world arranged and orchestrated, just the way I want it. Letting go and letting God, part of the key to sobriety and happiness.

That seething anger I was carrying all last week seems to be evaporating. It's being replaced with a feeling of being a bit lost. Feeling like I know very little about living life on life's terms. Feeling like I know little about living in recovery. In some ways, I feel like I'm starting over.

Time to get my butt of to work. To live in this day. I hope I can live it in God's hands.

Photo Credit: Martin-James

1 comment:

Syd said...

I know that feeling of not knowing how to live life on life's terms and wanting to have things go my way. It has been the predominant feeling for me for so long that it's hard to replace with letting go kind of feeling.