Friday, December 11, 2009

A safe place?

I would like to feel safe. To be wrapped up in God's hands and, for a little while, believe that everything is going to turn out okay. Instead, it seems like I'm loosing everything. That the events of this year keep piling up and I'm tired of the pain, the powerlessness, and the frustration.

These past few days, I've been so angry I've wanted to hurt someone else. That seething anger that I can't shake off. I'm angry at specific people, at people in general, at my job, in my relationships, at my life. And I feel as if I am unable to solve all these problems.

The first two years in recovery, every time I shared on step 2 or 3, I would get tears of gratitude for what God has done for me. I am loosing that gratitude, replacing that with feelings of mistrust towards God, that perhaps this world is run by spirits of malevolence. Poisonous thoughts like vapours, wraiths that wrap themselves around the synapses of my mind, disturbing my thought, my sleep. I feel as if I am flailing around, thrashing in life, going no where, going backwards.

I know that the difficulties life is presenting to me are not unusual. That many people on this planet struggle through worse difficulties than I. But that doesn't get rid of this taught band across my being, nervously looking around for the next hand that is going to strike me.

I used to imagine God as a father figure, a father who's sole purpose was to protect my family and I. When life went sideways, as it always does, I figured if father God wasn't going to rise up to the occasion, then I would. I discovered that I am powerless over the harm that can befall those that I love. I feel unprotective. I feel unprotected. These past few days I am craving to feel safe and secure.

Just for today, I will not drink. Just for today, I will not porn. There is no safety to be found in those old caves. The wind feels raw and cold today. Life on life's terms. I can say the words, I hope I can believe them.

Photo Credit: Caro Wallis


Annette said...

Just For today I will choose to hang into my HP's hand despite what I may be feeling. Just for today I will choose to believe in a power greater than myself and *trust* that He has a plan....even though I may not understand what it is.

((HUG)) Tough tough stuff. You are not alone.

The Turning Point said...

I'm an addict, with a lot of other addictions (obsessions) but I don't share the same problem that my fiend and you share with porn. I watched him go through what appears to be the same kind of hell as you. He has come up with a version of the Serenity Prayer that he says helps him to continue out of his web and into recovery from his co-addictions.
At the end of the Serenity prayer he tacks on ...."and the willingness to take action."
I'm praying you keep on being willing to put one foot in front of the other.


Anonymous said...

Hank, you have been on my heart in your absence from blogging. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, and so glad you wrote about it here. Stay in the day and know that others are praying for you and sending loving thoughts your way.

indistinct said...

Thank you, friends, for your words of support, care, and hope. They are deeply appreciated.

The dark clouds will lift.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hi nice post :) Hope these help :)

U2 - Zooropa (now in HIGH QUALITY)

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann 1952
The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain dreamer

Do good anyway...

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered...
forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives...
be kind anyway

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies...
succeed anyway

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you...
be honest and frank anyway

What you may spend years building, someone may destroy overnight...
build anyway

If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous...
be happy anyway

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow...
do good anyway

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough...
give the world the best you have anyway

You see, in the final analysis, it's all between you and God...
it was never between you and them anyway

Mother Teresa

Nick Vujicic-Hong Kong Tour

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

these are nice too :)

The Sounds Of Blackness - Optimistic (12" Never Say Die Mix)

Deep Peace - Digital Visual Poetry

American Beauty (the ending)

U2 Elevation Live At Slane Castle

DJ Storm Vs Wilson Phillips - Hold On (For One More Day)

George Michael - Flawless (Go to the City)

5ive -Keep On Movin

John Legend -- Pride (In the Name of Love

100,000 ANGELS by BLISS

Propellerheads - History Repeating (1997) ►STEREO◄

City of Angels (Trailer)

U2 - Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

Carl Kennedy ft Roachford - Ride The Storm (long version)

Deva Premal and Miten - Gayatri Mantra

this is a VERY !!! good mantra if you are feeling ? 'set upon' by ? darker energies..

Green Tara Mantra (108 Repetitions)

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Sounds for Manifesting [SOUNDTRACK]
Sri Siva

is a much nicer sounding version than

Ara Kara - Part 1 – Informational

Ara Kara ~ Part 2 ~ Ara Kara Mantra 108 Times

but they both say the same thing. This is for when you think something is impossible. when you think you cannot achieve something. it is out of reach.

ideally you visualize yourself in the goal whilst saying the mantra.

Syd said...

I have a friend who is in recovery and has evidently an addictive personality for porn as well. His girl friend in Al-Anon is having difficulty with the behavior and has had to really work the program to stay detached. Is it just another form of addiction?