Thursday, December 17, 2009

Still knocking

I wonder if the ability to find fault with most of the members of A.A. is a sign of humility? I also noticed that the fault index increases when I perceive that folk are judging me. Fault finding, and it's accompanying list of resentments, seems to be an offensive defence system. A defence system that leaves me isolated and seemingly without any choice but to start building a wall between the world and I.

The strangeness is that the first person I judge is me. Which I have been doing a lot of. I feel like I have been sad and angry for way to long. I'm frustrated that I react in predicable ways when life intrudes on my life. Then I move on to the fact that others must find me a sad, depressed, angry man. How on earth could they want to talk with me? Then the defence system starts in and things spiral down into the mud. And then I wonder how I ended up in the house of "what can others do for me?" when I wanted to live in the house of "I want to be part of the helping hand"

In the forth edition of the Big Book, there's a story in the back titled "Gutter Bravado." He ends his story with: "Humility is the key." Funny how this guy shows me how to get back into the house I want to live in.

My exam went well last night. I think I did okay. As I was studying for it, if felt as if the facts were falling out faster than I was stuffing them in. I'm glad my mind is rough around the edges, that leaves places for things to stuck on.

Thanks for all your support. It is appreciated.

Photo Credit: Brenda Starr


Syd said...

I have tried to understand why alcoholics are so me oriented and selfish. Today someone said that it is due to low self-esteem with a big ego. It is so different from my way of thinking that it's hard to comprehend.

Annette said...

Very insightful. I think understanding "why" helps us to move out of where we get stuck sometimes.