Monday, December 28, 2009


Well, yesterday wasn't the same as Christmas and Boxing day were. After waking up grumpy, but doing a step three prayer so I could walk in the will of my Higher Power, the day went from grumpy to anger to wanting to give up.

I attended a church service with my partner and for some reason his choice of topic was the causes of unfaithfulness in a marriage. By the end, my partner was in tears, all the old wounds, that I had caused her because of my porn and chat addictions, had been opened up. In talking about it, my life was again under inspection and I wasn't living it correctly. Instead of just shutting up and letting her feel her own pain, I tried to make it better. That always makes it worse but I tried anyways.

So it was a long day and every time we tried to talk about it, it went no where.

In the evening, I drove over to my sponsors house, picked him up and went to a meeting. Sat with a group of people who understand me, can laugh at what I am going through, can encourage and share. It's hard to explain but sometimes a meeting feels much more like home than my house does.

Stayed with my sponsor for a bit before going home, feeling much better and sorted out. At home, one of my children shared some of the troubles their day had given them and when I gave my perspective on what was going on in our family, the child left the room in anger for I had said the wrong thing.

If I share with others what I am feeling and thinking, I usually seem to get it wrong and cause grief. If I wisely keep my mouth shut and just let things unfold, then I get accused of being emotionally unavailable. This morning, as I sit here writing, I just feel useless in this house. I can't seem to do anything right. I know not what to do. I am feeling stressed and sad. I want to run away.

This morning I read, over at "Fight of Your Life" that worrying is like praying to yourself. I am worried about the future, about what is coming our way, I make it much bigger than it really is, and I keep looking for a solution, a way to make it all better. One again, I find myself playing God. I imagine myself letting go of everything. Of how things will turn out between my partner and I, of how my children interact with each other, of the recovery of my addicted child, of my deep longing to go back to school full time, of wanting to get out of the mill where I work, of how slowly the changes to me are happening, of the struggles that my sponsee's are going through, of how life is going to present itself to those I care for, of how other people react when words come out of my mouth, of how I feel lost today. I turn it over to God because I can't carry this load. I turn it over and accept my own impotence. I can try to do this one minute at a time. I will try to trust.

Photo Credit: Jose Tellez


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

it is not the silence itself, but the ? 'intention' of the silence that is KEY.

Others CAN TELL if you are silent because you are resigned/defeated, and lacking the will to interact. Out of fear or ? whatever.
Others CAN TELL when you speak with an agenda to control. regardless of what you actually say.

Basically you are !!!! MUCH more transparent than you think you are.

The quality of ACTIVE ENGAGED EMPATHETIC silence is a ! million miles away from a RESIGNED silence.
Others FEEL that too.
Simply going through the motion of speaking or not speaking is not good enough. More is required. It is WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM that counts.

If others well-being is uppermost in your mind, others will KNOW. But even so, without a SKILLFUL approach, you will 'step on the toes of your fellows and they retaliate'. Wisdom corrects this problem. So yes there is an information gap. It can be closed.

So its just a skills gap thats all. You are halfway there. Rome wasn't built in a day :) so keep on keepin on

Never say die :)

I have become used to the idea that 99.99% of what my head tells me is utter shite :) and F's everything up if i follow it heedlessly. It takes a bit of getting used to. People make the mistake of thinking that because they are 'nice people' and they 'mean well' that they are unlikely to EFF things up if they listen to what their head is telling them.
Trust me. This is do-able. Just needs more work.

The amount of work we could do is INFINITE. This is just a TINY piece of the jigsaw. It never ends :)

but christmas tends to make people a bit miserable as well which doesn't help..

Madison said...

Thank you for this honest blog. You're right, you can't carry that load. If God wanted you to carry it, He would've made you strong enough. So, weakness isn't a bad thing. It opens the door to God. Prayer is a powerful force. I think there's one thing in all this you can control. You can take a class. If you really want to go to school, start with one class. You can take one online or you can take Saturday only classes. Sometimes, just something has to change. You can make that happen.

Anonymous said...

Maybe sometimes we just try too hard, I don't know. The St. Francis prayer was recommended to me recently, and when I start and end my in this way I have been more at peace with myself than I can ever remember. Maybe it is just where I am right now, but I really think the prayer has been helping me. I pray that you find the answers you seek. From the events you describe in your post, I can really see God working on you, sometimes it stings.(((hugs)))

Mary LA said...

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time -- hold steady and it will get better in time.

indistinct said...

Thank you for the comments. As I struggle through this time, wanting to get through this rut of self pity and fearfulness, your teach and reteach me.

Syd said...

There are times when I can let go and then there are times when I want to project about the future and what it will hold. I too am feeling sorry for myself when that happens. I am sunk in self-pity about growing older, worrying about imagined loss. If I can stay in today, I will be okay. This is a great, honest post.