Monday, January 11, 2010

a different basis

This morning, I am thankful I have breathe. Yesterday, I was able to spend the day with family and end the day with a meeting. Yesterday, I struggled to stay in the moment, to feel comfortable with me.

Some moments, I just cannot feel comfortable with people. Especially large groups. I end up by not speaking with anyone, wanting to get away. I did that at the meeting last night, just sat and listened, talked when spoken to, washed the coffee cups and went home. Probably said 30 words. There is self-pity in this but it comes down to being afraid. Being afraid of being judged and found wanting. Believing that I have nothing useful to offer.

It's a lie that I sometimes believe. It's a lie that has been part of my life as a child. The fear passes but it's a hard to do the right thing when the fear is alive. When the fear does pass, then I want to criticize myself to succumbing to that fear. I am grateful that the fear passes and I have been taught the tools to shut down the egg beater in my mind.

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

The rain is drumming on the roof as I write. We've had 22 mm of rain since midnight and the weatherman says it's not going to let up till tonight. At least it is in liquid form, not needing to be shovelled. All sorts of things to be thankful for.

And from page 68 of the Big Book:

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.

Thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: jasohill


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

re groups, I only feel comfortable if I am focusing on what I can do for others. ie how I can be of service. If I become self obsessed by thinking about myself, I immediately become uncomfortable. Being preoccupied with myself in any situation pretty much guarantees I will feel worse than I did before I started. Self forgetting is the great liberator for me, and that comes from 'constant thought of others and how I may help meet their needs' in or out of meetings.

Syd said...

When I am not doing well, I will also avoid others. I think that they can see how bad I'm doing just by looking in my eyes. I'm less like that now and have found that I can express happiness and will actually come to be happy rather than sad. It is a "fake it till you make it" kind of thing.

Susan Deborah said...

and thanks for sharing this with us. Its invaluable in our process of growth.

Joy always,

amy said...

I've felt that way too, so hurting inside and pained by the mere act of being with people. I'd come home with migraines if I had to 'just be' and couldn't do anything or, heaven stop me, I spoke. This is not the life God has for us my friends,(don't mean to presume). God has hope to give of "restoring what the locusts have eaten" i.e., what gave you those feelings in the first place. Have the 'locusts' eaten away any foundational relationship in your life? Every feeling has a purpose, it is there for a reason and that reason needs resolve or you just get so full of unresolved pain that you can't function. God has a resolve plan gang.
I just want to offer a little hope, more than just coping or suffering all of your life. It's better than no life or an addicted one, absolutely, only...I am just sure there is so much more and now I can say I've experienced it.
I pray for all your journey's too.