Friday, January 8, 2010

just for today

Emotional sobriety or stability seems to be eluding me. That's why I started blogging in earnest, to see if I could some understanding as to why I have ended up in the emotional soup I am in. Boy, the words are hard to find this morning.

I had a sponsee who had this ability to be quiet at meeting, then go out for a smoke, talk with someone, anyone and get offers of help for him. Free smokes, free rides, free food, free advice, and he never seemed to be able to take responsibility for himself. The fact that he constantly used people for personal gain bothered me. We spoke of it, he acknowledged it, but never changed the behaviour. He could not get passed the fear the drove it, even though he could see the fear.

I bring this up because of how that behaviour made me feel. Wondering if I do the same? Do I consciously or unconsciously manipulate people to get something I need?

My thoughts are so scattered. I had a very good day on Wednesday, Thursday woke up fine, a beautiful sunrise and walk to work and as the day progressed I drifted into the morass of sadness. This morning, just this general feeling of blah. At this point, it's at the place where it could flip to grumpiness and I try to drag those I am close to into the pit with me. I am tired of trying to figure this out. It's not helping.

I am thankful that I am breathing. For my bowl of oatmeal and a hot mug of coffee. For the cat sitting on the window sill besides me, his motor running. I am thankful that I have a job to go to this morning. I am thankful for an encouraging partner. For the cat now sitting on my shoulder. I am grateful for the member who shared a 25 year cake last night, who shared that life does get better. I am thankful that I am not alone. That I am sober and clean today.

Just for today, I am going to try and notice all the small things that bring me joy and gratitude.

"Joy is a heart full and a mind purified by gratitude.", Marietta McCarty

Photo credit: Wildphotons


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Andrew Cohen on Enlightenment

the aim of enlightenment/ spiritual development/ spiritual experience is not to be a narcissist having 'great' experiences of bliss or happiness. the aim of spiritual development is to become better at serving others on a one to one by the process of self forgetting. service in meetings and at home is 'where the rubber meets the road' and where our spiritual development is demonstrated.

feelings are not facts, so what you feel isnt really important or relevant. its how you deal with those mind states that counts. how you act toward others.

the big book mirrors this teaching when it discusses the 'educational variety' spiritual experience versus the ? 'moment of bliss type spiritual experience that Bill had in the hospital. both are valid.

So dont measure your progress by how you feel. measure it by your capacity to self-forget, as opposed to being self-obsessed. how much you serve others egoless-ly, instead of being dragged around by selfish (ego) instincts.

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! "

p63 Big book

"Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery."

p97 Big Book

To me this is saying the same thing as andrew says in this utube link.

"Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."


keep on keepin on :)

Garnet said...

Bless you for your awareness. A lovely post, thanks.

Madison said...

I know lots of people like the sponsee you describe. Lots.

Steve E said...

I also am thankful you are breathing INDISTINCT, because otherwise I could not be reading a SO interesting post.
Thank you.

Glad to see you back...or have you not been away?

Anonymous said...

The only path I know out of self pity is through gratitude, and lots of it written down in black and white.

Syd said...

I have wondered whether I also manipulate people to get what I need. I most likely do at times. It is something that I work on. My fear of rejection and abandonment has been great for many years. I want to keep people close to me.
Great post.