Monday, January 4, 2010

to little listening.

Hi, I didn't mean to stay away for so long but between company and then picking up some kind of digestive viral thing-a-ma-jig, there just wasn't time for self reflection. I am here to report that worshipping at the f00t of the porcelain god has not improved in it's ascetic value. I'm starting to feel better and am going back to work this morning.

I've mentioned before about my judgmental attitude. What I am picking up on these days is how I can justify it by thinking that I need to avoid or stay away from certain people or bloggers to protect my sobriety because I become too negative when I hear them share or read what they have written. I have found that as I trundle down that path, I have less and less people that I listen to, that the circle of folk I live my life with shrinks and ultimately I will find myself alone. When I achieve that goal of aloneness, then I can blame everyone else if I choose to drink or porn again. Self loathing turns into a loathing of all which turns again into the painfulness of a slow suicide by drinking and porning.

I do not have to walk down that path. I can choose to listen to the voices of everyone who speaks. I can learn from each and everyone. The voice of men, I find particularly difficult of listen to without being judgmental. I have high standards for myself and using those values, I find other men lacking. If the speaker is male, young, and dually addicted (a reflection of my addicted child) then my mind goes to never never land. I don't want to hear what he is struggling with or what his experience is because it bring out fear in me, fear for my child. This is something that I choose to do, for there are others are in the same boat and they do not react like this. This type of thinking has been part of my recovery since it's inception. I avoided those young men in the treatment centre I attended and I avoid them today. I have tried to change this in the past and have failed. I hope, with the help of my Higher Power, to change that corrosive thinking this year. Less fear at meetings, more courage to face life.

I guess that's as close to a New Year's resolution that I am going to get to. Thank you for reading.

Photo Credit: Simple Slices.


Anonymous said...

Thanks I really needed to hear this today. We are never unique in our stinkin thinkin.

Syd said...

I do learn something from every person. It may be simply that I don't wish to emulate them or that they have an incredible message for me to hear. Either way, interactions are a chance for me to inventory myself and to determine what is going on inside that evokes judgment, anger, humor, empathy, and a host of emotions. Yours sounds like a good resolution to me.

Garnet said...

Great insight. I share your dread of being 'contaminated' by other's stinking thinking. I hadn't thought about how much fear is at its root. Your resolution is inspiring.