Wednesday, January 13, 2010

it's enough

When I went to a meeting last Sunday night, I was afraid to talk or share. I couldn't push past it so had to be content with the washing of coffee cups as my bit of service for that meeting. Monday night, words came out of my mouth and I was able to talk with people after the meeting, sharing my experience and hope. I'm thankful that I'm not that fearful everyday.

In a group setting, I want to become invisible, wanting to just sit and listen. Not wanting to expose myself. I've been like this since I was a child. Alcohol gave me that sense of ease that I have never felt around the many. Alcohol was like a selfish lover that wanted to kill me in the end, that sense of ease long gone.

I cannot stay sober alone. My daily reprieve is based on my spiritual condition. My spiritual condition is based on staying close to my Higher Power and to you. My ego asks that I stay close to me. Each day I have a choice.

For breathe, for hands linked in a big circle of prayer, for arms and legs that work, for grace.

From page 68 of the big book:

Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Garry


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

why not try talking to a newcomer after every meeting?
if i feel un-connected to others thats what I do. I look for the person most in need of assistance/ closest to a drink and chat to them after the meeting. get their phone no. give them mine.
within reason :) If they are threatening to have a punch up or something, then no, but you know, people that I think might listen to what I have to say. i feel very sorry for the people who feel awkward after the meeting so I extend the hand of friendship, and give them the opportunity to come out of their isolation. Iif i make the effort for THEM, I cross the bridge. If i do it for myself there is not so much momentum to move forward. I dunno. it just works. :)

its a wonderful and very satisfying form of service. plus you meet some great people along the way. Keeps me plugged in to other humans. and thats what's important.

Annette said...

You just described my daughter. I admire you for choosing to push forward no matter the discomfort. At least for today.

Anonymous said...

I was always told when I do not want to speak, that is when I should, and when I want to blab, I should shut up. Needless to say I have always had problem with this! LOL . You will be fine!

Susan Deborah said...

I pray that your bonds be loosened and that you open up to fellow members after the session. Even a smile is enough to start off. I guess blogging must be helping you a lot.

Rebuke the bonds of feeling shy. Remember Moses and how God helped him to be brave enough to talk to Pharaoh. The same God is there with you as well.

Courage and joy always,

Syd said...

I have had times when I didn't want to speak but to run and hide. I made myself say something. I simply prayed that the words would come and they did. Open honest sharing with a spiritual connection helps me.