Sunday, January 24, 2010

Where to go.

Coming home from work on Friday night, dark moods started to overwhelm me. Friends of my partner, whom I had never met, were coming over for supper and a visit. I wanted to kick a chair as I came into the kitchen, a rant on the tip of my tongue, I felt like a bomb waiting to go off, to destroy the whole evening. I gave her a "cold" hello and then dived into the shower so I could be alone and pray. Pray that I wouldn't act on what I was feeling. Wouldn't let the fear and discomfort hurt my relationships. Pray for direction.

The evening went well, they were nice people, easy to talk with, were open to just about any subject and I hope we see them again. Somehow those dark clouds were rolled over the horizon, leaving me much more open. Thank you.

Saturday was a day full of chores. Brought home more fuel for the pellet stove, pruned my fruit trees (the buds on the plums are fleshing out, already with colour, our weather unseasonably warm, unlike the rest of North America), did some small repairs, and went for my first run in a long long time. (six sets of: run two minutes, walk two minutes, do that three times a week and then increase the run time by one minute per week). My moods swung throughout the day, happy and content, then fearful, then dark moodiness, then back to openness. (Do my thoughts create the mood or does the mood create the thoughts?) However, it is what it is, and at the end of the day, I did not have amends to make. My partner and I were both content with the successes of the day.

In reading more about step six in the 12 and 12, I was reminded that the lesson in humility I was given when I reached my bottom was very important in the lifting of the obsession to drink and porn. That humility was achieved at the price of great pain. Humility through humiliation:

When men and women pour so much alcohol into themselves that they destroy their lives, they commit a most unnatural act. Defying their instinctive desire for self-preservation, they seem bent upon self-destruction. As they are humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the grace of God can enter them and expel their obsession. Here their powerful instinct to live can cooperate fully with their Creator's desire to give them new life. For nature and God alike abhor suicide. (12 and 12, page 64)

Humility is also required when working with steps six and seven. They are spiritual steps. I must admit that I sometimes struggle with how much spirituality is part of the 12 steps, how much reliance on a Power greater than myself. Seems like pain is the best instructor towards acceptance.

Photo Credit: geebee2007


Anonymous said...

You are doing wonderfully. Don't ever give up!

The Turning Point said...

I don't know which is which. I think they feed on each other. My mood is definitely affected by the weather and my thinking. But now the sun is out, the weather is warmer and now that I'm through with my surgeries and no running or tennis I can now start the routine of walk and slow run again. What a lift. I'm also looking forward to tennis again in a couple of weeks.
Know what you mean.

Susan Deborah said...

What I like about you is that you never shy from admitting your interior self which is so not-so-common.

As Patty remarked, you are doing wonderfully.

I am glad to be part of this journey you are undergoing.

Courage and hope,

Syd said...

Some days I just need a break from people in order to get back to my center. It is a struggle at times. Glad that you made it through.