Thursday, February 4, 2010

No choice, please.


When I proposed to my partner many years ago, we started making plans for our future. The first thing we talked of was quiting my job and we would go travelling, taking all the money we had saved (it wasn't much since I spent in on drink and mystical smoke) and go visit Europe. When push came to shove, I couldn't get past the fear of new experiences and new places and convinced my wife to be that it would be much more prudent to keep the job. To this day, she still has a hard time getting me out the door to go somewhere far far away, just for the experience.

We discussed going back to school, about deepening my knowledge of photography. At that time, I loved cameras and had my own dark room. There was a great school nestled in the Rocky Mountains that I could get into. In the end, I choose to stay in my job, safe and secure.

I had failed grade 12, missing to graduate from High School by one class, that teacher and I mutually hating each other. Those days, finding a job was easy so I thought I would work for a year and then go back to school. Been there now for over 30 something years. I had several other opportunities to leave and never took them. Stayed safe and secure in that cocoon.

As I sit here, it all starts to pour out of me, looking at the past, seeing that there was no choice for me. I felt secure in not making change, not moving forward. I have more examples I need to look at.

Thanks for bearing with me as I explore my own process. I'm glossing over the positive stuff of working in one place for a long time. It has allowed us to raise four children, to live in a wonderful house, and afford some new experiences.

This wanting to always choose the side of the safest way has limited my past. It tries to limit me to this day. I am grateful that the program of recovery provided by AA has given me tools to look at myself and then grow. To find the courage to accept life on life's terms and not have to hide in my cave.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Mr. J. Doe

4 comments:

Susan Deborah said...

I am glad that yous see it all as an experience and having decided to: "To find the courage to accept life on life's terms and not have to hide in my cave."

God be with you as you walk on.

Joy, passion and courage always,
Susan

Garnet said...

Thanks for your kind comments on my blog. I always appreciate your considerate thoughts.

My career path was also affected by a bad teacher in high school. When I was thirty I realized I couldn't keep giving him power over me. I had to break free.

So I went back to high school. And got that chemistry credit. The rest unfolded from there.

It sounds like you are getting ready for some unfolding yourself. I look forward to following the journey.

Anonymous said...

nice post

Syd said...

I have worked here too for over 30 years. I am grateful for that in a way. It allowed both my wife and I to work side by side at our careers. I have stayed safe and secure in my marriage for a long time. Even in the worst of times, I felt that I did not want to make the change. That is something that I have realized might have been in God's plan.