Wednesday, February 3, 2010

No, you decide.

About fifteen years ago I had gotten bored with my job so I had applied for a position in our company, a job that would move me from hourly to staff. Part of the interview process was a trip to the big city to meet with an psychologist. Before the visit, I was given a big packet of tests to fill out and then more tests during the visit, and the final interview. I would be told what he would tell the company during the interview.

Before this day, my "truth" of myself was that I was not clever, could not learn, was a little on the dumb size. As this man spoke, he said words of an opposite truth. That I could be clever, that I have a great capacity to learn, and was far from dumb. He was the first person who spoke those words to me that I believed and something shifted in my thinking. He broke through a truth that was built when I was a child, at countless lectures in front of my father being told I was never good enough.

He also told me I would not be getting the job I had asked for. The reason he gave was that I was not predictable. He pointed out that I had two ways of making a decision and there was no telling which way it would turn out. He didn't flesh it out but gave me a reading list for self improvement, leaving it to me to figure it out.

I understand today, that I do not like to make decisions. Never have in the past and have to work at it today. Shortly after I was married, there was an opportunity to get an apprenticeship. I did not apply until my father had cajoled me enough. I waited until the application date had passed before I handed in my application. I didn't want it. I was accepted. My father was happy and I was going to be miserable for the next four years. It was a major life decision that I was entirely passive about, letting my fears dictate what was going to happen for me, letting others think for me, make choices for me, unable to stand up to an authority figure.

That can still happen today. Put any type of conflict into the process and I freeze up, slipping quickly into emotional darkness, with a good portion of "wanting to numb" thrown in for good measure. I don't want to leave the impression that I am incapable of making a choice for I've made some very good ones as well, after all, I still have breath.

Irish had spoken about shadow play, about what lurks beneath the surface, unseen, that has a strong influence over who I am. A part of me that I have not recognized. A part of me that I need to co-operate with. A part that I have not yet accepted.

That's it for today, thanks for letting me share.

Photo Credit: Daniel Y. Go


Garnet said...

Great post, Indistinct. Very thoughtful. I certainly struggle with what lurks below.

Syd said...

It is interesting how similar experiences in childhood can lead to different ways of dealing with things. I make decisions in a decisive manner. I don't want to numb the pain. Yet, I have often made decisions because I thought they were things that others expected me to do. I seldom have made ones that only I wanted. I'm doing more of that lately.

Susan Deborah said...

I am glad to have listened to this thought of yours.

You have kindred souls all over.

Joy and courage,

Anonymous said...

Part of me not wanting to make decisions is I am afraid I will make the wrong one. Today I know there are no wrong decisions. If it seems wrong, then I learning a tough lesson. Seeking God's will in all matters helps. Learning the difference between His soft suggestive voice, and the Scooby Doo one that is me, make sit easier!