Saturday, June 19, 2010

Glimpses of Sunlight


Having lived with my mind for a bit, I've noticed how it is deeply attracted to the negative side of life, loves to wallow in darkness, sadness, and self-pity. It's a seemingly effortless place to get to, like riding my bike down a hill, I just go there, faster and faster.

About six months before I stopped drinking, I was reading my child's copy of daily reflections and read a passage about being in the sunlight. The attraction was strong, having lived in darkness for many years. It took a while after that reading that passage before I entered the rooms of recovery, of giving up old ways of thinking and understanding and taking on what I heard at the meetings. To realize that I had to dismantle my world view and start again.

There was no magic wand moment. It took and takes constant effort, learning to give up and to trust is something greater than myself. Taking the advice of the rooms and starting to do service for others instead of living just for me. To open up space for others in my life and to keep that space open takes effort. To fight against the cry of my pain, "leave me alone" takes constant effort.

To push myself to speak to the new comer, to call my sponsor, to spend times with fellow members, for it never seems to come naturally.

The rewards for the effort is sobriety, friendship, and family. I no longer have to be alone, I no longer have to believe the thoughts in my head that "nobody likes me"

I just need to suit up and show up, put my trust in my Higher Power and point my life in the direction shown to me. Then they appears, the beams of light through the clouds.

Photo Credit: Kevin Eddy

7 comments:

Annette said...

I recently started hearing that term "suit up and show up" and love it. If we can just get ourselves there we begin to get what we need. If we were hungry we would have no problem getting to the table...this is the similar. We are hungry spiritually....we need to get to the table of meetings and being with our recovery family.

SO GLAD to see you back!!! Really, I am bouncing in my chair a little bit. :o)

Susan Deborah said...

Dear Distinct:

Life is a constant struggle. You are struggling with this while I struggle with other things but what sets us apart is the ability to fight that which is easy. Choosing the right path is also pushing us harder each day. There is no 'magic wand moment' but there is faith and hope.

Joy always,
Susan

Syd said...

Yes, I need to get it out of my head also that no one likes me. I seem to go there a bit but then force myself to go forward.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

very nicely put

"To open up space for others in my life and to keep that space open takes effort. "

yes exactly. thats exactly how i feel.
the rewards are !!! priceless though. anyone who learns how to to this can rest assured that they can "Stay on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed

indistinct said...

It's nice to be back, reading and writing, being with those that relate to the "isms"

Thank you all for the warm hello.

sarah said...

sometimes life does seem so hard but with faith and spiritually connected...the fight is so much easier. Stay strong.

Kathy Lynne said...

very much related to this..like anything it seems to take practice..thankfully I program gives us the outlet to do that.