Tuesday, June 22, 2010

see saw


It's been a tetter totter couple of days. Monday's feeling down and blue, today feeling upbeat and positive.

I think I understand what's going on with my thoughts, fear being the generator of a blue Monday, hope creating the upbeatedness of today. As I think about the breadth of emotions and how deeply they are a part of me and help to form the thoughts that come to mind. The negativity of "leave me along" to the "We can do this together" that comes from hope.

Trust in others, trust in a Power greater than myself, trust that what ever life brings my way, I can face them without having to drink or porn them away. In the darkness of Monday, I reminded myself many times that "this will pass" and it would probably pass quicker if I just keep doing the right things. Not to expect other to buy into my sadness but to help others regardless of the sadness. Certainly a lot easier on my spouse and work mates.

As I read, I realize just how simple is the stuff that I am writing. Nothing new, nothing special. Yet, for me, each day I remind myself that it is a challenge for me. That it takes effort to get up into the sunshine, my mind naturally seeking the dark valleys.

A couple of weeks ago, I had taken a big swig of self-pity, wondering why I couldn't do step's six and seven well. Why my character defects seem firmly entrenched with in. And then I had an "aha" moment. There was no way I could be done with my character defects and the steps allowed for that because step 10 provides a way to continue to take inventory and to make things right again.

From page 84 of the Big Book:

This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.


Photo Credit: navonod

7 comments:

Susan Deborah said...

Everyday is a challenge and needs motivation to live on without giving up. Sometimes even motivation becomes a task for simple humans but it is then we realise we aren't alone. God helps us live each day overcoming different thins. We are more than conquerors.

Trust that today is a blessing.

Joy and peace,
Susan

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

'Not to expect other to buy into my sadness but to help others regardless of the sadness. Certainly a lot easier on my spouse and work mates.'

Yes I can relate. feelings are not facts. act as if. simple but not easy. acquiring the habit of doing the next right thing, no matter what my head tells me is the lifetime's work. it will never end as such, but can only be managed. there is no cure for the human tendency to be self-absorbed and negative :)

"As I read, I realize just how simple is the stuff that I am writing. Nothing new, nothing special. Yet, for me, each day I remind myself that it is a challenge for me. That it takes effort to get up into the sunshine, my mind naturally seeking the dark valleys."

yes the reality of recovery is incredibly simple. I remember thinking there was some mystical profound secret that the old timers knew. it turns out that really it is only to maintain the effort to try my lousy best to do the next right thing on a daily basis, or an hourly basis if needs be. so simple! Just a cultivation of a new more positive habit, as opposed to mental habits that drag me down and alienate me from my fellow man. simple but not easy :)

sounds as though your recovery is coming along very nicely. I think all that service work has provided you with insights you never had before, and the scales are falling from your eyes.
you see? you were never a bad person after all :) you had merely acquired some very negative mental habits that were making life intolerable, and you had no means of digging yourself out of the bad habit, and building new ones. but now you have both the insight and the means to get to safety. rome wasn't built in a day, but we get there in the end :)

Syd said...

"Love and tolerance of others is our code"--I strive for that. I think that there are days when I forget about the love and tolerance part and my ego takes over in a bad way. At least I am aware now of my less than desirable traits and ask for their removal by my Higher Power.

Texaco said...

I think there is also no way that God is going to remove our defects so long as they are useful to Him. You have no idea how many times I've kept going to meetings because there was someone I wanted to look at or how much step work I did because I wanted to please my sponsor, whom I viewed as a father figure.

Remember, "pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth" - if we were without defects we would feel no pain, and if we felt no pain we would not grow. And isn't that the point? That we're willing to grow?

Johnny said...

Thank you for your transparency and sharing. You ministered to my heart. Aloha from Hawaii.

Patty said...

I miss your posts and I hope that you are well.

Findon said...

Thanks for dropping recently. Im glad you came through the recent upheavel. Keep dropping by. Take care