Friday, October 29, 2010

Contact

We were talking about step 11 last night. I was reminded about its importance, how prayer keeps me connected with my Higher Power. How prayer gives me the right relationship (God giving direction, me taking direction). I also took away from that meeting that I still have difficulties in trusting in my Higher Power.

When my children were growing up, it was my understanding that if I lived a righteous life while saying the right prayers God would do what I asked. It was simple, like a mathematical equation, I did my part and God did his part. I believed it was true, told others of how well my life was working and that they could do the same. I felt safe, my fears held at bay. And then the teenage years hit, angst happened, shit happened and my safe little world fell apart. I had a difficult time watching my children struggle into adulthood and commenced my own downhill slide. I figured if God couldn’t or wouldn’t do for my children what I expected him to do, then I would have to do it myself. You can imagine what a terribly ineffective higher power I was but it took me years before I could acknowledge that I could not make the world a safer place for anyone.

Eventually I gave up on God, giving myself permission to drink and porn as much as I wanted. I became the creator of pain, adding to the chaos in our family. In the year before I came into recovery, all I craved was darkness, the numbing place where no though or emotion existed. Drinking lots just before bed ensured that I could visit that place for a couple of hours.

Somehow, recovery happened, and I was taught some new things. One of the first was that I was no longer in control. As long as I didn’t have to drive, life would be better. The first instructions I received on pray was (1) “You need to” and (2) “Don’t ask for anything.” That night, as the title of this blog suggests, I place myself in God’s Hands and tried to trust my Higher Power for the outcome.

In treatment, I was struck by this passage found on page 62 of the Big Book:

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

My first sponsor suggested I place my family in my Higher Power’s hands as well. He also suggested I add a new line in my morning prayer. A line that asks God for the strength to stay out of the way of, no matter what the circumstances are. In other words, to trust in God, no matter what the outcome would be.

Someone said that faith is the antidote to fear. Faith, for me, is the ability to trust in something outside of myself, something bigger than me. Trusting while life appears to go sideways, not at all going where I want it to go. Trust that in the pain and struggles, there is meaning.

Someone else told me that “practice makes perfect.” I best keep practising for I’ll never be perfect. Hurrah for progress.


Photo Credit: Josh Kenzer

2 comments:

Syd said...

I do trust my Higher Power and realize that there is something so much bigger than me, more powerful, and comforting when I am not comforting to myself or others. My mind can't solve the problems of the world, of another human, or my own. But I have faith that God can ease my mind and unclench my fist and open my heart. That is progress for me.

indistinct said...

Faith is the antidote to a lot of my problems. Anger seemingly the chief one these days. "unclench my fist and open my heart." is a really good way to put it. Thanks for dropping by.