Sunday, October 31, 2010



Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I struggle with this step. The idea that God can pass on to us the knowledge of His will brings out the committee that lives in my mind, all those voices shouting “Bull Shit.” I don’t carry much humility when it comes to this part of my recovery; all I seem to have is a bucket full on contempt. I need to become more teachable in this area.

I’m learning to accept that the circumstances I find myself in could be called God’s will. My most painful circumstances have had the power to change me, helped me to start my life anew. I have watched how pains in the lives of my loved ones have changed them in ways I could never have imagined. I can feel gratitude for those events, despite of painful they were. But the idea of having foreknowledge of “God’s will” for me, that’s where I balk.

Part of my problem is that I’ve always wanted God to have a magic wand to erase all my problems. Deep down, a part of me still seeks that. So I go, right away, to interpreting that step as being able to hear a voice from my Higher Power that gives specific direction on how and what. I can see that is not the purpose of this step. I am not going to get an email each morning, telling me how and what to do. What I am going to get is people coming in and out of my daily path. Again, it’s circumstances. In the act of daily living, things are set into play without my consent. People come rolling into my life that I would never have expected contact with. It’s these people that I get to practice Step 12 with. The fine folk who visit in the rooms of A.A., who share their experience and hope with me, tell me that helping others is the way to go. If I imagine my Higher Power as kind, compassionate, and understanding, then I get to practice having those attributes myself. Fearfulness, self-pity, selfishness, and anger are the attributes that turn me away from others. If I keep it simple, without imagining meditation as a cosmic experience, it does become a bit more believable. In its simplest form, my Higher Power’s will is to be of service to those that cross my daily path.

I do want to explore the idea of meditation further. The dictionary describes mediation as the “contemplation of spiritual matters.” Even as I explored my thoughts on this blog entry, contemplating on what I thought meditation means, I get some clarity, some relief from my own fears.

Thanks for dropping by.

Photo Credit: Dave: aka Empty Belly


Syd said...

Meditation is something that quiets my mind, eases the tension in me and lets me simply relax. I have needed it over the past week that has been a roller coaster. Glad to read your posts again.

indistinct said...

Glad to be posting again. Somehow, writing out my thoughts brings bright clarity to whats going in deep inside. Thank you for sharing what meditation means to you. I do like the quietness of mind that yoga brings as I concentrate on breath.