Monday, November 29, 2010

indirect

Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
The night, when I was in treatment, I turned my will and life over to a Power greater than myself, the obsession to drink was taken from me. I became willing to work the program of A.A. to the best of my ability and my life started to change. Later in recovery, steps 4 and 5 revealed how much fear and self-pity ran my life. How these emotions, with me since a child, provided the impetus to make decisions to protect myself at any cost. I had hope and expectations that fearfulness and self-pity would have been taken from me, much the same as the desire to drink had been taken from me. Alas, they still plague me. Not as strongly as they used to but they still are a part of me.

If I want a guaranteed out, I will be disappointed. When I did my step 3 prayer, I had no idea if my life would change, I had nothing to loose and everything to gain. In my surrender, in my admission of powerlessness, my Higher Power did for me what I could never do. Now, with steps 6 and 7, I have brought my expectations with me, and I get full of self-pity the next time I struggle with fear or anger, wondering why I'm still stuck with these defects. Why why why. And there is no answer to the whys. It boils down to what my first sponsor would harp about all the time: "Time takes time, if you want what I have then put 20 years of working on sobriety into your life, there are no short cuts." Someone else said: "slowly, simply, subtly, you life will change. Others will see it before you do." Another reminded me that patience and trust are important in my relationship with my Higher Power.

Today, I understand step 7 as: "Without expectations, asked God to remove our shortcomings."


Today I have more solutions than problems.

1 comment:

Syd said...

Time does take time--and slowly we change. It is an awesome thing.