Thursday, November 4, 2010

No Answers.

A few of us were talking about how it came to be that we were given this priceless gift called sobriety. The question arose after talking of a few people who were lost to the disease of addiction these past months. Good men and woman who are no longer with us. We questioned why it was that we were still alive, still sober, experiencing life as we've never lived it before and these people were not afforded that gift. We never figured out a good answer.

I have a lot of gratitude for what happened in my life. That, somehow, something reached through that deep dark sea of sadness where I lived and touched me. That something could break a part the lies that supported what I deemed my essential truth. I believed that I was of no importance, that I would fail to ever sober up or get my act together, that I was better of dead. I was strongly, deeply, hooked into those lies.

It was not a flash of light operation to change those thoughts. It was the men and woman in the 12 step programs I attended that patiently loved me, persisted in talking with me, and led me into a new way of living and seeing. They gave me new pillars of truth upon which to build my life. I was given meaning and purpose. Eventually, I came to believe in a power greater than myself who's direction I also came to trust. The people in the rooms (and that includes fellow bloggers) told me to be of service, to reach out to others, that service is the best guarantee of sobriety. These same people showed me what unity means, how I get to be part of the we. I no longer had to be alone.

My family loved me through a most pain period. Those relationships that I was so willing to give up are now an important part of my life. I can newly understand the importance of family, of the love and support that we give each other. The laughter of grandchildren can be so wonderfully overwhelming.

I still, on occasion, want to slip back into the old ways of seeing the world. Sadness, anger, self-centeredness are only a resentment away. Again, it is the wisdom of the rooms that share the tools I need to stay sober one more day. I am never cured. A daily reprieve, based on my spiritual condition, is all I receive. One day at a time.

I'm not special. I'm not more deserving than anyone else. Yet, here I am.

I carry a deep sadness for the loss in our community. The latest was one with whom I shared the rooms. His wisdom helped me to stay sober and now he's gone. There is no answer. Not for any the questions.

Just for today.

Photo Credit: Carla Carvalho Tomas

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