Friday, November 26, 2010

perturbation

"the basic cause of addiction is predominantly experience-dependent during childhood and not substance-dependent" (Vincent J. Felitti, MD. The Origins of Addiction, Evidence from the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study).

I had an epiphany a while ago, of how my emotional reactions today mirror my reactions as a child. Any conflict I have with others seems to boil down to feelings that I am not heard, that I am not valuable, that the wishes of others is always more important. I go to self-pity, anger, and fear. I want to scream out "leave me alone." I seem to be wired that way, for I go down that path, over and over again.

I am grateful for the recognition of that process. The creation of feelings that are almost always intense and overwhelming. Greatly out of proportion for what's really happening. The process that creates a lot of conflict between my partner and I. I'm grate for the program of recovery provided by A.A. that helped me recognize my emotions and what they were about. Grateful for the toolbox given to me to deal with life, to finally starting to gain some emotional stability. (Yippee)


Change is a process, not an event

4 comments:

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I have been extremely responsible my whole life but what I didn't realize is that I wasn't mature. I reacted from a childs point of view a place of "nobody likes me or cares about me " and even today when I feel frightened I still feel those feelings. Now I can see that and trace it back to my childhood and ask myself, is that really true. It isn't easy to be honest with myself.

Patty said...

Growing up is hard on us alcoholics sometimes.

indistinct said...

I find it troublesome when I recognize my own behaviours while watching my grandchildren. :)

Syd said...

Yes, I have had those same feelings. I am glad to be able to process the negative today.