Wednesday, November 3, 2010

roots on the path

Seems like I'm falling into an old trap, looking for just the perfect way to do something, getting bogged down in the details and then giving up. In continuing to research the subject of meditation, I wanted to know what it meant in early A.A. I ended up more confused, resentful, and resigned. In my previous post, I wrote about doubting that I could hear directly from my Higher Power, that I would have to be content in accepting my circumstances as God's will for me.

There is a passage in the Big Book that kept nagging at me after I wrote that. At the bottom of page 86 it reads:

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.

Which then reminded me of the promise:

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is ding for us what we could not do for ourselves. (pg 84)
The implications from both passages is that there is a source of wisdom from outside ourselves, something greater than us. Since I fell into recovery, I have always used the wisdom of the group as my inspiration. The rooms of AA have kept me sober and clean. I can accept that. I have tried to keep my understand of my Higher Power and simple as possible, not trying to muddy my thinking with resentments. I still struggle with religion and spirituality. It is interesting how fearful I can become in trying to get a clearer understanding on what meditation should me for me. That fear that turns to anger and resentments. The fear that makes me want to give up. I don't want to give up.

I want to remain in the hands of my Higher Power. My faith and trust growing slowly. Sobriety is a wonderful gift as is the emotion of gratitude. Just for today.

Photo Credit: vgm8383

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