Saturday, December 18, 2010

frontiers

Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence--almost absolute dependence--on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. (The Best of Bill. p55)

As I child, I must have had a strong sense of justice, since I felt that most things in life were unfair. My parents certainly did not treat me the way I thought people should be treated. That sense of justice carries on today, having the same feelings the other night, at a meeting, where the chairperson wasn't conducting the meeting the way I felt he/she should run the meeting. The feelings I experience were the same in both instances, I saw injustice, I felt as if I'm the victim, and then resentments started to spill over. As a child I stuffed my feelings and emotions, not able to trust anyone enough to share them, and ending up feeling uniquely broken. Today, I can talk about it with my sponsor or partner or another friend. Talking about it is important.

Bill W. speaks of emotional sobriety in the context of lessening our dependencies on people or circumstances. I can understand that. If I have no expectations on how people behave or act, if I can practice acceptance and compassion instead, I would have no resentments. Resentments, for me, spill over into self-pity, fear, or/and anger. Those emotions can come to a boil and I loose what ever emotional sobriety I carry. Step ten shows me my part in these resentments and I return to step three, once more turning my will and life over to a Power greater than myself. I get to do this a lot. I am grateful for these steps, for the literature of recovery, and for the people in the rooms (that includes fellow bloggers) who share their hope and experience. Walking in the light of the Spirit creates a wonderful paradox. I put my faith and trust in something I don't truly understand and in doing so I become more independent.


It's easy to be loving - what takes work is to be kind.

2 comments:

Annette said...

Oh wow. Thank you! You and Syd just spoke exactly what I needed to hear this morning. That shows me God is alive and well and hasn't forgotten me. lol And you both were his tools this morning. I just blogged my own relapse in poor behavior... just stuck for a minute I guess. I needed to hear what you shared today. Thank you!

Syd said...

A good reminder about expectations. They are dangerous. Even when things are figured out with people, or so we think, there will be a surprise. It is how we handle those situations that test faith and trust. I believe in kindness and compassion. I see that it would not change a thing to be angry and mean. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks for your message.