Wednesday, December 1, 2010

impetus

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run of self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. (Alcoholics Anonymous, P60)

I never noticed the term "self-propulsion" before. But it does fit with how I have lived (and still, upon occasion, do.) Pushing myself through life, doing what I needed to do to "take my comfort". I would spend an evening drinking, looking at porn, chatting on the internet, completely numbing myself, blissfully unaware of how much I was hurting my partner, my children, my friends. It was all about "taking", all about me. There was an outward appearance of kindness and concern for others (I only assume this for many were surprised to hear of my addictions) but inwardly, I was hurt, emotionally unstable, depressed, and I wanted relief anyway I could find it. Gratefully, my Higher Power intervened and I was dragged into sobriety and now I would like to stay.

The revelation in Dr. Bob's life came when he made his second discovery: that spirituality couldn't be absorbed by someone emulating a sponge, but that one might find it in healing and helping to free those afflicted and in bondage. (Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, P306)



"I'm in pain when I'm in my own will."

2 comments:

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I find that it seems I will do anything to feel better. If I am trapped emotionally in a dark space I start to scamble and grasp at anything that gives me relief. It has been many things and people for me over the years, resisting the pain is more painful than the actual pain. Getting lost in something or someone for me always leads to more emptiness. These days I sit with the pain knowing it is temporary even if it seems like it is going to last forever.

Syd said...

I think that I lost myself in work, exercise, and anything that would divert me from the pain of living with alcoholism. I am glad to be able to not be a whirling dervish trying to avoid the discomfort. I have the program tools to see me through.