Sunday, December 12, 2010


Those moments between wakefulness and sleep have and do perplex me. When I fist became aware of those thoughts, I was taken aback. They were full of fighting, of violence, of disagreement, of anger. They were the opposite of how I see myself. I seek to be kind, compassionate, and patience, yet night after night, as I fell asleep, those thoughts keep coming up. I thought I was becoming unhinged, a fake, a counterfeit, who's real life was just a facade, hiding the cesspool.

I was reading "Life in a New Language," by Eva Hoffman (wonderful essay) and she was writing about, as she transitioned between Polish and English, the period between being awake and being asleep had become confused, not knowing what language to use. She describe those brief moments as:

"This interval before sleep used to be the time when my mind became both receptive and alert, when images and words rose up to consciousness, reiterating what had happened during the day, adding the day's experiences to those already stored there, spinning out the thread of my personal story."

I began to wonder what my thoughts were teaching me and as I did, I could once again see the fear that has controlled my life, how I want that control and was willing to struggle for it. I like the feel of solid ground beneath my feet, a vantage point, a fulcrum to move events from. Those thoughts that come to brain as I fall asleep were about feeling safe and sound, knowing that I controlled by own world. I know today that I don't.

I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable in this unknowingness but how I live and see life is improving and for that I am grateful. My thoughts betray that I am still in transition, still seeking the safety of childhood. Learning to let go and let God, to trust is ongoing. I pray each day for the strength to stay out of the way. I treasure what an old timer taught me about God, "Two things you need to know about God, He is and you ain't."

Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves.


Syd said...

It is about my focusing on me without trying to control others. I don't want them to be my Higher Power. The message in Al-Anon is a bit different in that respect because of so much time that we spent doing for others.

Syd said...
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