Friday, December 24, 2010

winter solstice

But now we see ourselves as chips off the same old block. At heart we had all been abnormally fearful. It mattered little whether we had sat on the shore of life drinking ourselves into forgetfulness or had plunged in recklessly and wilfully beyond our depth and ability. The result was the same--all of us had nearly perished in a sea of alcohol. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p123-124)

I was reminded at a recent meeting of how controlling fear can be, how I can become full of ego and ambition trying to alleviate my fears. In essence, keeping my toys to myself, not sharing, not playing nice with others, all the while justifying my behaviour. This was so deeply true when I was porning and drinking. Lesser so today, but on occasions still occurs.

Earlier this week I had forgotten a commitment I had made. Broke a promise to help someone. I was caught up in a bought of self pity, my mind whirling around self, and totally forgot about what I said I would do. Someone else was hurt. A trust was broken. Later I made the amends, spoke frankly with the person, and hoped that I had learned something. When my life becomes about me, shipwrecks occur.

Before I came into recovery, I see myself as nearly having perished in a warm soupy sea of self-pity. My world was so small when I immersed myself in porn. I felt safe and secure. Yet it was killing me and harming those close to me. I was deeply depressed, full of shame. In the end, I was ripped out of that dark womb, exposed to the cold air of reality and started to learn to live in the company of others. I was shown how to love and care for others. People shared their experience and hope with me and I started to change. I found I could live without those harmful dependencies.

I am far from perfect, still have the capacity to hurt those around me. Today, I carry lots of gratitude because I can love those around me as well. I can take time to listen, to help, to watch others change. All because others were willing to do the same. How cool is that?

Wisdom is knowing when we cannot be wise.


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hey Merry Christmas you :)
Hope you and yours are blessed with a new freedom and a new happiness :)

Lots of love..

Anonymous said...

Happy Christmas to you, friend!

Syd said...

I have to watch how I don't punish the alcoholics in my life for forgetting or for being self-centered. Each of us has character defects that can hurt others. I know though that each of us has character assets that can help. Happy New Year to you.